brokenalways's Blog

  Not been on for more than 10 days- wow. That might possibly (- well probably) be a record for me.


   Hmmm, what's been going on, not much, not THAT much.
 It's half term next Friday so not many work-days for me, and more time with my boyfriend and we're gonna take his kiddie to like a kids play place thing which has been there forever and it's amazing, so yeah. Can't wait- such a kid at heart i am.

  Oh,- I stopped biting my nails. YAY! I don't know why- i suddenly just, stopped. Good. Now there long and scratch things and have white-tips on them, so proud in myself hehehehe!

  So, i went out last night round town, got very drunk and probably made a fool out of myself- at the end of the night around 3am because we went out early around 8ish on Saturday.

  I sobered up abit and had my boyfriend pick me and my friend up and drop us home, i stayed at his but fell out with him, partly cause i was drunk a little and partly cause he was a moody ars, either wake- woke up this morning and i kept my back towards him. I told my friend something he told me last night- he found out and we fell out and nearly broke up, we didn't. He said sorry for some shit & i did too...

We're good again now, just a little hitch, he's out in the pub now with some mates and i'm sat in his wrapped in a blanket, tired- my friend was supposed to be coming over for a movie day but i think she's fallen asleep after being extremely hungover from last night.

  What else...
 Oh. It's nearly June already- weird! HOW quick did that go, nearly half way through the year, nearly summer, nearly my holiday, nearly my birthday... well kinda.
 But still. it's gone super quick since new years, amazingggggg! :)


   Work early in the morning, gonna have a bath later when he comes back then have an early night. 4 o'clock, hope the rest of the day doesn't drag- i'm exhausted after waking up at 8am - no idea why- and couldn't get back to sleep! I should have a nice deep sleep tonight though!

  So. Not much else to say,  i don't think so either way.

   SO. This week so far has been okay- and quick. Since bank holiday Monday was a day off work for me, it automatically goes quicker. Monday i went home early from my boyfriends cause he was ill, so i spent my day chilling in the sun and sleeping. Tuesday i went work then met up with him in the morning, spent all day wondering, shopping, walking and adventuring in parks and exploring until work in the afternoon then went back to his for movies then i slept over. This morning he came work with me and waited for an hour or so then we went to get some food for our rumbling tummy's then back to sleep for an hour then up cause his friend was visiting cause she wanted to see me 'the girl who made him change his mind from not going into a relationship for a while, to being in love in two weeks'. She was nice, and we're going out with her and her boyfriend in a couple weeks for go-karting- should be... fun. Hmm. Interesting? Scary? Exciting? We'll see...

  SO. I'm back at home alone now, just had a hot shower and about to catch-up on some tele for a couple hours then in bed and hopefully soon asleep by ten-ish. Up early for work tomorrow then spending the day with my guy for more... official things as he needs to go to the solicitors to see if there's anything he can sue his ex-boss for cause they totally sacked him for no fucking reason> he is WAY too good for that dump. I just hope he gets somewhere else soon, somewhere they appreciate him, cause he truly is such an amazing, hardworking, lovely honest guy. Any place would be fucking lucky to have him and i'm not even over-exaggerating or saying it because he is my boyfriend. He really is the most amazing person i have ever met...



   Oh. The other week, that guy came in the pub, the one who kissed me, the one i told my boyfriend about then he put his fist through the door, well- all's forgiven. Yet he wasn't too pleased when he walked in, i told him to forget about it. Only when i showed my boyfriend something on my phone he saw that guy just texted me- he went mad, he calmed down a second later then had a word to the guy and said to delete my number, blah blah. It was funny and awkward, and weird. The rest of the night the guy kept looking at me and dancing to the music i put on the jukebox, then looking at me while i mouthed 'your drunk!'
 At the end of the night him and my boyfriend were talking and seemed forgiven. All was done. Thank God for that.

    SO. Out of more than three months, this weekend will be the 2nd i have 100% with my boyfriend, without any work, nothing, so i can't wait to just chill with him two straight days, three straight nights. It's unbelievable how much i love him> kinda obvious with how much he is on my mind and how much i type about him...

  I have never been so annoyed in my life with a dog barking. Downstairs in the flats a dog has been non stop this morning- woke us up at 3am for a couple hours. Woke us up at 8am for a couple hours. Now the boyfriend has finally got back to sleep at the side of me while i have given up trying. Even though the dog has finally shut up.

  I suppose it isn't the dogs fault though- it's the owners.
 I bet the dog is just lonely and scared. I lifted up the mailbox and it jumped up and wimpered because it couldn't get to me- probably wanted attention- i hate shitty owners!

   I actually have hated two other dogs. One across the road from my house who is always outside and scares you shitless by banging and barking like mad against the massive wooden gate anytime you walk past it, and one dog who had a fight with my dog (when he was still with us, probably three or so years ago- yes i do hold grudges!) for no apparent reason and made my poor doogy's ear bleed!

  SO. Besides that i can NOT wait till i eventually move in with my guy and we eventually WILL get a dog of our own- cause we are both totally dog and animal lovers.

  Rightyoh. Don't wanna wake the ill boyfriend with my typing so that's it for now...

  The only problem i would have with moving in with my boyfriend, is i don't necessarily feel safe when i'm here, alone, like right now. I listen to every little noise. The door has to be locked at all times. When he is here, i'm okay, i know i am safe- but when i'm alone here, i'm always a little bit on edge.

 It's the area- it's not bad, it's not good. Where i live- is safe, comfortable, friendly. Here is full of drug-taking benefit-living people who are loud and play their music at shit hours of the day and to the volume where everyone can hear, people who go out in their pyjamas, shout across the street and argue at 6 in the morning.
  Where i live is a friendly area, nice and quiet and nice old neighbours- no trouble- none of this. There even is occasional (too occasional) police cars round his flat now and then watching out for people they've heard things about.


 My boyfriend says when he has another job- a one that pays better, then he will move out, a house, somewhere nicer and closer into my town instead of this end. I hope that doesn't take us to ten years into the future. No - it won't. I hope it doesn't take any longer than 2-5. 5 the maximum.
 but either way i will move in here when i find a job up here in the next 3-6 months hopefully- though i know my parents will 100% not agree and defiantly not be happy.



  SO. No work tomorrow- yay for bank holidays, watching movies at my boyfriends house while he's working till later on, i'm kinda sleepy even though i had 10 + hours sleep last night- weird.

  Rightyoh then. Back to my movie, i've tried watching it like 4 times now but each time either get distracted or fall asleep. Nope. I shall finally finish of watching it today.

  I'm weird to fucks, honestly, a few hours after typing last, my mood suddenly shifted- feeling of disgust ran through me, i just felt horrid, fat, stupid, i just wanted to die.- That has to be one of the shittest things about depression, it can come back and shoot you whenever it feels like it.
 I had no reason to suddenly feel so shitty. I cried and cried and cried. I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't help it. I missed my boyfriend, i was home alone, i had a shower and cried my heart out some more, i came out- was a bit better then one message of my boyfriend saying how he wished he were here for me- and the tears came again, and i flooded myself again.

 Weird how the mood shifts so suddenly, like yesterday was good, was nice, then around 10 and smiling and saying how happy i was in the pub  talking to my boyfriend i suddenly shifted, to moody and depressed as fuck. no reason. i had a drink- which probably made the depressiveness flow quicker. My boyfriend mentioned how i changed from one minute very happy to the next very sad, i told him  i couldn't help it- he always think it is his fault if my mood suddenly changes like that. It's just the way i am. I don't know what is wrong with me at times...


   So, we got back to his around 1ish, i felt a bit better but after he went down on me i suddenly didn't want sex anymore- he noticed as i wasn't doing what i usually was, he looked at me and saw i was looking at the ceiling- he stopped and asked me what was wrong. i said nothing, he knew there was though, i don't know. I felt my legs just before, i felt the bumps and how fat and hideous i am. I don't see how he can like me, how he can love me- he says i am beautiful and defiantly not fat and perfect for him. I don't get it. I'm not.

 Anyway, i kissed him goodnight after a little chat about my mood changes and how i can't help it. Then we woke up to me a bit better mooded, he went to work for a while then came back, throughout the day was better, i felt better- consisted of smiling, cuddling, sex, bath, sex, food, movies. It was good. I love him so fucking much.


  So- he's working tonight. I'm at home having a night in for once. Listening to music, just finished tidying my room- clean sheets, hoovered, emptied bin, everything done for once, for a long time.
   A night in of tele is planned then sleep then up in the morning for a shower then back to the boyfriends and probably drunkness tomorrow night as it is bank holiday Monday, so the pub will be packed and everyone will be pissed so i will join them! Then a nice day with my guy, home Monday night, work Tuesday morning, all day and night and Wednesday until 3ish with my guy again, he's even coming work in the morning with me and waiting in the car for a couple hours, then hopefully Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday will go quick for the weekend again.

  My mum always says i am wishing my life away> cause i always say ' i can't wait for this, for that, etc...' but, i'm not, i'm just waiting for the happier times, when i am spending time with someone who i love to bits, when i am going on holiday in a few months time, when i will have a new job and move in with my boyfriend, then i won't wish anymore time away- cause i'll be happier forever. Happ-ier. Not always happier, but a hell of alot better than days and days without him. I need him. IS that right!??

  Ahhhhhh. Music time over. Goodbye youtube. Goodnight EP.
  Typy time in a few more days probably, i like typing though- something to do, makes time pass quicker, i'm pretty sad how i like to write and note and type down how everything has been- but, hey- i also do have a shit memory, so i can read back on how things are, that's another good reason for it.


  YEap. That's it.

  I love the feeling of happiness. HAPPY.

 Years & years of utter depression, shittness and not even remembering 'happiness'. Now i'm okay. Sure - depression is still here, but not half as much, or half as bad- i have a reason to live. I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world.

 It's May already- WHAT! ?? How has time flown so quickly- wow.

   A couple months till July and my holiday- can not wait.
 I love my job to bits, but part-time is a killer on money issues and when it's summer after my holiday i am searching for a new job, full-time and up near my boyfriends' place so i can move up there with him, i hate missing him, like now- it's only been a day, not even that really- and i miss him like crazy. Fuck. At least i have him.


  So, yeah, i'm happy right now. Especially this week cause i have spent lodes of time with my guy, and the sun is actually SHINING, what the fuck!? :D  Yayyyyy... & it's Thursday already- quick! AND next Monday is a bank holiday, so a little bit extra weekend for me, happy happy happy!


  Listening to some music on youtube, gonna go off here now and watch some netflix on my laptop cause my guy gave me his email and password so i can use it at my home too! yayay.

  Righty-oh. Weekend tomorrow., AAAH! :D

   SO.

  My shitty mood from last night has gone- yay.
   Went to sleep for a few hours and slept a few hours more than i should have- ended up just picking the boyfriend up from work cause he was near-enough closing by the time i woke up and got ready. We got home and watched a movie in bed and slept... Woke up this morning, Dropped him back of to work and then nipped home for a couple hours. Back at his now, gonna have some t.v and watch tele then have a bath, then gonna go with him to work for a few hours then back to his, and sleeps. Up early tomorrow for work, this weekend has gone way too fucking quick.


  Ah well> quicker everything goes, then it's quicker till July and my holiday and soon after my birthday then soon after hopefully a new job and moving in with the boyfriend, then December comes and CHRISTMAS! ---- OH. I'm thinking of christmas already, way too much, can't wait, more than 6 months to go but whatever, hopefully it will come quicker !

  Sat on floor on rug on floor, watching tele, i'm kinda tired now.
  OH. I've been watching 'secret diary of a call girl' - _  it's pretty good. Billie Piper is hot, i would probably go gay for her, i am not lesbian or whatever, but i would think it would be interesting to have a three-some, not that i'm going to anyway, though watching a programme about prostitutes and actually showing half-sex scenes made me think about it and all... Weird.


  Half six now, tea shouldn't be too long.


   Not much to say, aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Nope. My mind is now empty.

We've done the little arguments & making up thing- we did it pretty quick, even before we got together when i slipped and went off with some other guys when we were getting together. But it's never been like this- it was bound to fucking happen. Cause i am a fuck up. & nothing good ever lasts in this life- my life...


Last night we fell out - he got pissed off- i got pissed off- we didn't talk for a while and when he wanted to- i wouldn't. He said how he always admits when he is wrong straight away and always apologizes- but i never do- he asked me to apologize- i said if your asking for it, it isn't sincere, so no...
We made up by forgetting about it. We went to bed and woke up early from the noisy neighbors.

This morning i got up- he didn't for a while. I wanted him to because we barely get anytime together- and Saturday is our day, so i'd rather not spend it in bed. That got me off to a shitty start. Then he asked for me to come over to him while i popped in the bedroom for something while he was still laid in bed, i said i couldn't be bothered cause i'd have to walk all the way back there again when i'd just stepped out the door. That got him extremely pissed off.
And that was it.

We didn't talk for a while, then when he finally got up, he tried to talk to me, i didn't. I was gonna burst into tears if i started talking. I am shit-useless at talking about stuff like that when i am in such an emotional mood. Plus i love him lodes - i don't wanna lose him. and talking to him probably would. cause i always screw up and say the wrong things.
He didn't get that i wasn't talking cause i didn't want to cry.

He said if i was gonna be like that- then leave. So i got up.
He got up and followed me- he was annoyed and angry and upset. He said it showed how much i cared- he said i stopped caring for him now that we have been together for a few months. I didn't talk still.

After a while of silence back in the living room i went to the toilet and the bedroom for a while, i came back in and gave the teddy he won for me a few weeks ago to him, i told him to give it a hug, he moodily put his arm on it, then i hugged his head and stroked his hair and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
I walked to the other couch and he told me to join him, so we cuddled, and made up, then later on came make-up sex.


I don't know though. I feel weird now. I wish we didn't argue yesterday and today. It just has me thinking. Will we actually last if we argue so fucking much already,? i don't wanna lose him- i will be lost without him. I can't stand this feeling that i need him so much- i hate getting close to people.

So. Sat in living room about to paint my nails, listening to depressing Taylor Swift songs in my knickers and jumper with curly wet hair from the bath i had half an hour ago- a long hot soak and a shave is what i needed. Prickly legs are a pain in the ars.


Gonna watch some movies in abit then head off the boyfriends work around 12ish for a few hours till he closes.
Hopefully everything will be fine.

Hopefully!

  My life probably would make an interesting story- but then again, wouldn't mostly everyones?
  Everyone has amazing highs and shit dead in the ground lows.
 
 I mean- i have had alot of days where death is way more appealing than life. but not anymore- not really anyway. Cause now i have a reason to live. Sounds kinda cheesy and shit but i don't care cause it's true.
 
  I've met some of the most amazing and clever people that i believe exist, and i have met a lot of horrible people and some really evil dickheads and bitches. I've done a lot of stuff i really wish i hadn't. I have been such a bitch, slag, liar, stupid, two-faced, i have just been a horrible person. But i'm not the worst person out there- i've tried my best and helped a little and i love making people smile- i love my job (most days) cause i get to see happiness and cheer up the children- yeah- there kids, but i don't care, every little bit makes a difference.

  I love writing stories- i used to all the time, like made-up ones and  a real one about me. I kinda am like busy alot now- with work, my boyfriend and friends and then the few hours a week i watch tele with my mum so she shuts up nagging.

  I think - it would be amazing, seeing a film of your life. Even from my age- i'm only 18, but it would be an interesting film. I'd love to see films of lots of people i know- my uncle has had such an amazing adventorous life- that would be funny to watch with some of the stories he tells.

My boyfriend has had a shit 27 years life - that really would be interesting to watch- getting kicked out when he was 16, having three criminal records by that age too, stealing cars, beating people up, managing to stay out of prison. He sounded like a right dick when he was younger- he isn't like that one bit now. He has been homeless, he has had a lot of sex and depression and drugs and trouble but he's overcome all the highs and a hell of alot of the lows- i thought my life was bad. He is the most honest and clever person i have ever met i think- and i don't see how, with his shitty upbringing and shit start to life- i don't get how he has turned out to be such an amazing decent man. I'm glad though- obviously.


  So. DAMM. I burnt my tongue on a hot-chocolate. Not good.

   Still watching movies on the couch- i've been to sleep a couple times, still a tad sleepy now but i'm gonna get up to dye my hair REAL soon, honest. (hopefully!)


     Well- i think this film is kinda nearly done with, so then it's time to run a bath, dye my hair, wash it off in the sink, then bathtime and relaxing till my boyfriend comes home for his break at seven, then back to work with him a couple hours later till he closes it down.

    Just gotta drag my ass up first- OH the challenge...

  So. Working on a Sunday must be death for anybody- so thank god the job i have now and the job i want to go into - will never work Sundays, or weekends at all. Which is good cause Saturday is the fun day and drunken night and Sunday- hungover and lazy day> i'm not hungover today though... Barely drank last night- ended up falling asleep on the couch and waking up at 1 am to find lots of missed calls from my boyfriend, he wondered where i was and why i wasn't answering. I got ready then off to the pub where i only had a couple drinks then hometime.

 He's in work all day today till 10ish tonight. So i'm having a all tele-programme & movie day while eating and sitting it my PJ's & hoodie, hair shoved up, no make-up on, give my face a break from wearing make-up all the time. - gonna dye my hair later on, the roots are getting worse.

 Tomorrow work early as usual, then a day with my boyfriend then work in the afternoon again and back home, Tuesday is as usual, work, meet up in town with my guy, work, go back to his- usually we got out for a meal and we go to the pub and he plays snooker matches- but it's cancelled this week so more time at his it is. Then Wednesday, Thursday, Friday- boring stay at home apart from work days until Friday comes around again and replay, replay, here we go again.
 My life is such a bore.

   Watching an old tv-series at the minute, just about to snack out on some chocolate cake, yum.


   Boredom but lazy comfy Sunday today...

  So. It's the weekend again- well- really, it's almost over already> Oh shit. It flys way too quick and makes me sad :( but it'll be next weeks and weeks and months and maybe i will be moved into my boyfriend's place and it will all be done up cause he's planning to do the carpets and wallpapers and stuffs (though i said it didn't really need alot of it doing!)  then i won't have to miss him cause we will live together, oh, i hope it's not too long away.

  Works going okay- money at least no matter how little- though i need a full time paying job after summer at the latest! Don't know how i will cope till then to be honest but i will... somehow...

 I'm in a better mood today, yesterday i went to the pub and had a few drinks and got a little tipsy- i felt sick and had a tummy-ach at the end of it, we went to get me some paracetemol and food then back home where i felt better so sexy time> OH and first day when i came off and i had the injection the other day so no worrying- no pulling out- nothing- yay!

   Me and the boyfriend did a HUGE shop today, £170 worth of mostly food,  should last us a while. The trolley was full and it took forever to get going down each aisle then longer bringing it all back into his flat. Alot of up and down's today (as in walking sense not moods).
 We woke up to clean his rooms out and went to the tip a few times, then for dinner and to see his mum and grandparents and brother while he dropped something off to each of them, then shopping, then a movie tea and cuddles till he went to work an hour ago.
  Sat watching a movie now, waiting for time to pass a few hours till i will get ready & go. Planning on getting very pissed tonight if it is busy- just can't cope with tons of drunken loud people when i am sober.

    I did a quick tidy-up after i dropped him off at work- someone is coming round tomorrow about the carpet fitting for a little bit so the state it was in- needed to be cleaned. Decided to do the dishes and make myself a hot-chocolate too . Mmm. Burnt tongue now though, oopsy-daisy.

 I love  Will Smith. His films are amazing!!!!


     SOooooo... As i was saying beginning- shittness of the fast moving weekend's and slow moving week-days.
  I'm feeling okay right now anyways and at least my boyfriend is meeting me Monday & Tuesday days which should make the weekdays go quicker. > he makes me happy and smile and i love him to bits.
 I kinda wished i didn't - i mean, it means i can  get hurt to fuck. I mean- REALLY hurt if i let him down by some of the shit mistakes i do, or he lets me down, or we just fade apart. I hope we stay good forever. He say's he will. I said he doesn't know that, but he says he will.

    I'm happy alot of the time though. It's super good. And i hope i stay half-good half-of the time at least.

     OH. Well. I'm blabbing on as usual- and this film is getting good, so concentration is a must and i'll write soon i guess. X

 
 In the shite-utter- miserable-thinking mood. DAMM shit.

    Listening to kinda- depressive music. Thinking about how i'm never gonna be able to move into my boyfriends cause i need a full time job near his, i have a part-time job now which i only got from volunteering and i only got volunteering cause my uncle knows the girl who runs it. So i only got it that way. I have never had a job apart from this one- simply not enough money and too far away from his though- sucks.

 I just want to be happy with him. & forget about the long fucking treks there + back, and have more money than a little bit coming in, sucks.

  Can't wait for till a few months down the line- hopefully things will get easier. I'm happy when i'm with him. Just in the mood i am in now- without him too- i just feel depressive-ness flowing back harder .


 I am in love with the Beach Boys recently> dont worry baby and wouldn't it be nice. ! EEKs <3

  - wouldn't it be nice if we were older , then we wouldn't have to wait so long,
 and wouldn't it be nice to live together, in the kind of world where we belong-
   - -  stay together.---

  Eurgh> life revolves around money. I need money money money money money.

  Lottery- come anytime you want!?

     I mean- part time job = barely any money anyways.
 Petrol is a fucker.
 A boyfriend who lives miles away and who i travel so see way too much is a shitter, good job i love him else i wouldn't do it !
  Having a life and actually going out and doing stuff and eating out is a must stop.
 Buying clothes & stuff on internet- no more.

   OH ! _ i'm gonna have to stay in all the time, eat whatever my mum buys, and live in the same clothes forever to ever end up with a bit of money.


   NEED a full time job soon ! Just gonna be penny-watching from now on !! x

   Apart  from that- today is going okay, alright mood i suppose, work soon, best start getting ready seen as i'm still in my dressing gown with soaking wet hair and no clothes and make-up on. It's raining all day today, rain for the rest of the week too apparently- BOO!

  Having two stay-in lazy days (apart from my few hours at work) today and tomorrow. Not had days in for ages, and need abit of time without my face covered in make-up. My skin is getting worse!

  OH - i had the contraception injection in my bum yesterday- kinda hurt. Hurt more after. Hurts a tiny bit now but it wasn't too bad- and i am soft anyways. They asked a bit of questions then done. 3 months till it goes again.

  Listening to music on bed, gonna get ready now. Going to start my diet & exercises like crazy on Sunday (when i come off) so in 3 months time when i go back hopefully my weight will be down, and it is holiday in 3 months time so i need to be skinnier even if my boyfriend says i am the perfect weight (which he said more when the women said my bmi and apparently thats just right) whatever- for me- it's 100% not. So bring on thinnierness.

 

    Really- the weather affects your (well mine- but surely it does to not just me....) mood.
  I mean- i was happy anyway as soon as i woke up next to my boyfriend, work, shopping, cuddles on the sofa, sex in the bed, sleep, work, sunshineeeee, home, sun's shining still- well now it's just fading away- just 10 to 7 PM .
  A few clouds in the sky- but still can see the blueness of it all. I love seeing an actual fucking blue sky. OH_ how i've missed you ! :)


     Boredom has resorted me to getting ready and nipping to see my boyfriend while he works at the bar for a couple hours even though it''s half an hour to actually drive there (in good traffic) . but at least time will pass.
  Seeing him again tomorrow after i've finished work in the morning, and with him all day apart from the two hours of my afternoon shift while he waits for me then back round his and to the pub then a little while then he's working then back home for me,  Then it's roll on Friday again for another weekend. YAy.


  Oh- me & my friend made up... again. A while since we last had a chat but we're okay again now, i need to start looking for a job so i can move in with my guy. He needs to start looking for a new job so he doesn't have the shitty hours and we get more time together... I told my friend i wanted to move in with him and the same reaction came like when i told her we both said we loved each other after one month... The look on her face and the 'your stupid' words came out. I laughed and said 'why!?' i mean- i KNOW why.

  It sounds stupid- i would call me stupid if i saw me doing it. But no me. If that makes sense.
 Cause 18 years old and thinking about moving in with my boyfriend of a few months. And i'm only  18.
   But this is it.
 it isn't a shitty relationship- i really think he could be the one- my forever- the man i will love and have till- ever. & ever. & ever. And we won't fuck off to each other. We're good together- most of the time.


 We had a major little fight the other night while he worked. I stormed out and he followed me - i told him to fuck off so he did and he came back a few minutes later and we made up. Then last night i pissed him off by as he would put it -'blowing him off and fucking up our plans' But we both got pissed with what we said- then when he came back later we made up, and the lovey-dovey starts all over again.

 See- i'm never normally like this. We are frickin near-enough perfect together.


    Listening to music. Off to get ready now. still ROLL on Friday.
 Though pathetic -enough i am looking forward to the drive down while the weather is still nice and blasting along to my music even if the windows are open and i get a million weird looks- like i did on the way back before.
 HAHAHA.

 I'm such a goof...

  Opsessed by the new song- ''on my way' - god knows if it actually is new or not, barely listen to music from the radio anymore but i am in love with it^

    Just sat at the boyfriends place while he fixes up some cupboards we just bought- sat on couch listening to music and typing here & on facebook chatting to some old friends. Look like a scruff- don't see how my boyfriend still smiles when he sees me like this> hair shoved up. no make up on. fluffy socks & checked shirt on. Yet he still loves me. And we just had a silent hour or so being annoyed in general and him thinking it's because of him.

  Were good though. Hehe. I love him to bits.

 HOW did i cope without this guy?

  Watching the voice on recorded while sat in the front room on my laptop...
    > Need to stop my shitty habits- hate nail biting & shit eating habits. Urgh. Life.

    Just one more shift to go till the weekend brings on...
 -- Cheers to the freekin' weekend, drink to that yeah-yeeaah.--
        Ah. Can NOT wait.
 Wahoo.

   This week has gone super quick yet super dragged- if that makes sense. Each day i thought it was the day after all cause i had Monday off- but apart from that- it feels ages since last weekend and since Easter break. Aw - take me back to my easter weeks where i worked a couple longs days but yeah- still i had all the other days doing nothingness and wondering and seeing my boyfriend tons.

  Let this weekend just sloooow down and go all good. Pleasee!?? :)


    So. Off soon to the city over- a couple hours there and back and then dinner, a little wonder and off to work then yaaaay-ness-time.

 I've got my mum to go buy me some alcohol while she is at the shops so it saves a job for a later on. Yey.

   Hope 5 o'clock zooms by now.
i'm feeling in an alright mood today though. YAY.


x

   I get moody and irritated way too fucking quick.
 I probably swear a little more than i should, and a lot more than my mum would approve.
  I fall in love hard and quick.
 I think way too much.

 I love music- life would be utter shit without it !
 I love my boyfriend more than i have ever loved anyone- no exaggeration either.
 I love chocolate just as much as i hate it- makes me feel chubby but no will-power. NEED to get some !

  I'm overly shy, nervous and easily embarrassed but overly loud, squeaky and confident .
 I'm strange. I mean i can be the shyest person in the room and the loudest- depending on my mood- who i am with- my sober/drunken state.
  Like i am really overly-conscious alot of the times- but i'm not gonna let that stop me wearing my pretty short shorts in winter weather (with tights of course) . I sing and could deafen everyone in the room yet i'll get up on karaoke (after a drink or two of course)

  I'm a strange weird, peculiar one.
 But i am apparently not perfect but 'perfect for him'
 He knows the words to charm me and make me smile. And i like that.

 & i've really liked guys before- but this one is different, special, amazing.
 I'm addicted to him.

    I'm also fucking addicted to this new song i've just heard- i love lyrics- they mean half the fucking song to me.
 i've wrote probably hundreds of them- but just for me- there probably a lode of bullshit to anyone else.

 

  So. it's friday already tomorrow. YAY. Three nights, one and a bit days of goodness.
 Tomorrow i am driving into a few towns over to pick up my brothers new car for him and then drive back and go for a wonder before i go to work then back home to put all the shit into my car ready for my boyfriends place after i've nipped to the shops to get me some alcohol and food for the few hours i will be waiting for him while he works. I'll go in later so i'm not waiting bored for as long- and i won't be 100% sober.


   Tonight- i'm feeling okay.
 A little- well a fucking lot- pissed off with my shitty old phone that just repeated texts to everyone from weeks ago making me seem like a complete weirdo. Oh well.
 Music though. Cheering me up. Makes me happy>and SING. Duh...

     Up early for work in the morning, i best be able to sleep tonight else i shall NOT be frickin happy ! aha.

  rightyoh. Off for tele times...

  No idea what i'm thinking. pretty miserable mood.
 The rains coming down, it's Thursday afternoon- so just over 24 hours till the weekend begins i suppose. - Bright side.
 But.Nope. Miserable as f right now.

 Just been chatting on the phone- kinda put me down even more hearing what happens to people who you love. Oh stuff the world. I hope today goes okay> it's gonna start off shitty & wet walking there in the rain and then hopefully it will go fast cause it'll be busy- but, kinda doubtful if it's still raining then everyone will be stuck inside which will drag like crazy , and i am in half an hour longer today than usual. Less than an hour to go till i'm there...
  I should start getting ready soon.

 Can't wait for tomorrow, i need alot of drinks, alcoholic drinks. Then a lot of sleep... Then sleeping at the boyfriends place the weekend, we're gonna go shopping for some cupboards or something to shove my shit in, it's taking over all of his so having somewhere to keep them might help a bit. I'm already  half moved in with everything i take and leave there.

 Listening to music on bed- freezing in my wooly clothes tryna' keep warm just isn't working.

 THought i'd be nice and pick my brother up from work after i finish- then home for food and watching shitty tele and being totally bored till i have my shower and hopefully sleep pretty soon after, i did come back from work this morning though- and fell asleep for an extra couple of hours.


  Recently i've been feeling extra shitty about my ugly-ness. I hate me.
 I just can't get it right- anything. Damm me. Damm my shittiness and my negativity, urgh. No good mood can be found today.

 Oh- Hey, i might feel better in  work- those kids make me smile and laugh, i do love my job at times, positive .

   My mood at the moment is pretty much matching the sky and outside right now though- miserable, cloudy, rainy, dark and grey. Urgh. Not a spot of blue sky can be seen at all.

  Just remembered of something to do when i get back from work- make some DVD's for the boyfriend to leave at his what i know he will like, and then make a car CD with some of our favorite songs, cause we keep buying new ones cause we overplay the CD's we have lodes & lodes. Need a few new ones that we will both be in love with.

  Depressing old music is one of the easiest hints that i am in a shit mood. Like right now.
 Eurgh. Gotta get ready now. Rock of to my depressing-ness.

  Hate my fucking moods. BLAH !
x

Mood is abit weird tonight. I suppose i'm missing my boyfriend tons, even though i only saw him earlier today, around 10 hours ago, probably less. After him persuading me to sleep over last night he drove me to work and waited while i went, then picked me up, then we had some breakfast then went back to his and had an overslept nap. I woke up and we cuddled then i went back to work again, then home. It's weird how easy and quick we miss each other. I love him.

He says he has never felt this way about someone before. he has had girls before. he has been in love before. It's just- we have something different. And i am so happy when he's there, and he makes me smile and laugh and just feel amazing.

He somehow thinks i am perfect- perfect for him- everything- my body, personality, my funny weird ways and my cute hiccups and laugh and horrible face with no make-up on, and my odd drunken ways and everything. It's amazing having someone love you 100% of you.

I could go on & on about him.
I do alot of the time to be honest though.
I just can't help it. I love it. I love him.


Sat on bed in my PJ's listening to youtube music. About to watch some recorded tele with the mum and then off to bed and hopefully sleep soon after, ready and up early for work tomorrow.

AH. It's nearly Thursday already! _ wow_ that came fucking quick.

I suppose it's cause it was insect day on Monday so -day off work. So the whole week has just zoomed by so far. Plus work has been extra busy which makes it go quicker too. Yay. Hopefully the rest of the week will zoom too. Two days till the weekend.

Friday i am planning on getting VERY drunk. Saturday- probably drunk too but not overly bad, maybe, who know's... Then Sunday a quiet night at the pub for an early nights sleep at my boyfriend' house then work again early Monday morning.
I need a job up his end or win the lottery. Yeah- let me just win the lottery- that'll do :D


I love work at the minute though- the kids love me- and i'm always laughing and smiling- it's kinda fun. Ignoring the shit awkward moments and the bits where i say something stupid to the other staff or stand there when everythings getting ready but i'm not too sure what to do. OH . Everything will work out.

Oh- My older brother has just passed his driving test. So he's just bought a car and is picking it up tomorrow- i'm gonna have the first drive with him and see how it goes- i will be slightly shit nervous though being in a car with my shy brother who has only just passed his test. I'm sure he will be fine- i was.

Righty-oh.
Tele time then hopefully sleepy time. hehehe.

I'm not too depressed now-a-days. Which is totally amazing- obviously.
It's work and love. I know i sound pretty utterly pathetic- love makes you so happy though. And i'm cheesy and grinny as fuck. But i don't care.

I think the fact that having this boyfriend keeps me out the house a hell of a lot more- so i'm not with the annoying family half as much. And i was a little happier anyway since i've had my car and a month or so before i met my boyfriend- i thought i was feeling a tiny bit better- just having more freedom and a life more- i am slightly not as depressed. & hopefully i will stay having so many happy moments.

It's fucking mid- April already! Where did these months go since Christmas and New year. WOW> work and love has really kept me busy & made time fly...
Good thing really though- closer till my birthday and possible summer ( if we get a fucking summer- COME on shitty England, bring the sun, take away the snow- wind and rain)

Feeling okay today. Now. Good. I love feeling okay.
Life's alright.

   Old music on these CD's i just got including 'candy' by 'paolo nutini' - such an old mans geeks song depressing but i love it non the less.

  Just got home from staying at the boyfriends place. We had a good lazy but also sex-filled day today, on the couches joined up in the living room watching movies with alot of horny sex included and abit of sleep and food. hehehe.


  He makes me so happy> it's fucking unreal. I NEED a job up there soon, as much time as possible with him while i move into his, and then i'll never feel this miserable-ness when i miss him so soon already. sucks.

  Listening to music on laptop, work tomorrow since today was insect day after the easter break- shit me didn't know so went in early just to see it was closed- i am so dumb. but bright side i did have an amazing day with my guy.

 Back to normal now. Hopefully i will get a call sometime this week for  a job interview- gonna have to revise a little since i haven't looked at old notes to help me with interviews for this job in ages and forever. That's what it feels like anyway.

  No idea what to do now, it's only quarter past 7... Guess it's relaxing for abit, shower, then looking over some stuff in case the interview is this week- (hopefully!) and i wish i could get it i doubt i will- mainly on negative thinking but whatever, im still gonna try...