watching law & order , Urgh, it is only a program but some ideas of real life, the world is evil.
so. My weekend was lovely, little weekend away with my guy, I really wshed I could stay there.
right now im in a pretty poo mood, I feel hideous- sick of being chubby & ugly and coveredin spots- even when I've not worn makeup in months. Fucks me off. I give up.
then there's my boyfriend. He's always moody, but sometimes I get the teeing he doesn't love me as much as he used to.
I think too much and too stupid, probably.
gonna have a long bath now and early night.
work as usual in morning, half way through the week already tomorrow! Yayyayyay...
lifes doing okay. Just tired and coughing at the moment. Got a cold.
my boyfriend is a big worrying bit recently.
this new job isn't going straight forward, but mainly bout his health. He's got asthma and recently its been really bad. Non stop coughing. Can't breathe properly. Being sick over coughing and blood showing up earlier today. He takes his inhalors all the time. He's going the doctors soon, I hope they'll give him some checks or something, it shouldn't be that bad.
another topic. I cant wait for Christmas! Its getting closer and all, most, presents are bought and wrapped already. Got my Christmas jumpers ready to be worn.
my throat is killing me. Shit immune system.
works going good though, feeling more comfortable there...
so tonight the boyfriend is out for a few hours, im gonna have a nice hot bath, shave, moisturise, pluck eyebrows and tan then sleep. Home again tomorrow, I rarely go home anymore and I dont get mithered about it much anymore either. Its good.
foods ready soon, cant wait for a nice 100% staying in weekend for once. Yay...
sat at my home away from home, bought a few more pressies, had a bath, dryed and straightened hair, shaven everywhere and moisturised.
sat on the couch waiting for it to dry.
boyfriend Is home soon then out for a meal then a night in.
threw up lodes yesterday. Called in sick. I must have have a bug cause i feel nearly all better now.
gonna do a tad more online shopping.
next month i WILL budget my wages !...
Sat at home, not at the boyfriends for once.
Listening to old Avril Lavigne songs, miserableness even more but there super good too, so, why not?
Yeah, so now, its 5 days at my boyfriends flat. 2 at mine. well nights seen as im working 8-5 weekdays. It keeps mum from pestering me, i only get one nights sleep in MY bed. One of the nights i sleep at home i bring the boyfriend along and we sleep together on the couch. I always miss him too much too many days away. I mean, one night really is all we aren't together, and in the days when i work, but the days flys by and i'm kept busy so it's not bad at all. It's good.
Works going well, it goes super quick, i really like it. The only thing to make it better would be to feel more comfortable with the other staff and get on with them more, another reason i hate my shyness and unconfidence. Fuck.
So. Work's well. I got paid last Friday, and more than half gone already. I really have to take control of spending so much money. I do have the excuse of christmas is coming up so i have bought a few presents, and my first pay check, month big pay check, i was always gonna just buy a few things just for me anyway. Next month when i get paid again, then i will TRY to be more saving. Otherwise how will i cope when me and the boyfriend move out to a house and then pills and all that shit to pay for.
Me and him are going well too. We always have up's and down's. It has never been about this topic before though.- sex. I'm tired all the time after work. Or just not in the mood. He keeps saying how he doesn't turn me on anymore and how we don't have sex as much. But it's fine. Just finding better time apart from right before i'm about to nod' off. Apart from that. I love him. Lodes & lodes & forever and ever and ever. I'd do anything for that stinky ars. It's unfortunate and fortunate. And i'm so happy and lucky to have him. I suppose i did wait long enough though, eh?
So, yeah. Work and relationship is good.
Friends are shit- but thats a fucking story i'd rather leave alone for a week or so till it's sorted cause it will i just can't be arsed with it right now.
So. Halloween is coming up. Two parties. Two outfits. Still to find one outfit. It'll be fine. One this Saturday then one the week after, seen as it's on a weekday...
Nine o'clock. Shower time then sleep. Try to sleep. Back to my boyfriend tomorrow. Yay. I wanna smile and cry when i think of how much i love him. It's good.
So i don't know why i feel shitty right now. Probably cause i'm lonely and tired and moody and feel all fat and hideous. Spots from make-up (Which i rarely wear anymore by the way! just on nights out!) Back to 9 and a half stone- the lady nurse checks it when i get the injection in my ass, had it done last week. Gained half a stone in three months isn't too bad considering i thought i gained SOOO much more. Should be happy. I just wanna be thin again though. To a year and a half ago.
Urgh. I let myself get myself down way too much, overthinking on looks and personality. After typing all this, i feel abit better. Kinda convinced myself i shouldn't be so sad, cause i have it pretty good right now.
Urgh. I need to come back on EP more like i used to. The release it gives me to just slap down whatever the hell i am thinking without thinking of what others think of me, cause they don't me. Not in real life. Not the usual spreading shit, starring at your face knowing.
Right. Time for shower now then sleeps time.
todays been a bit different shopping most of the day searching for one item, while.me and my boyfriend had a few tiffs over it, everythings fine and sorted.
then we went back home and off for a meal, to where the place was Packed so another place we went and It was really yummy!! A Indian, never thought id try that , im super fussy!
happy now. All cozy watching xfactor and cuddles!
Sunday already tomorrow, abit of swimming then relaxation, films, and sex.
then back to another week...
this little one bedroom.flat of my boyfriends is my home now..near enough.
im here 5 nights, where the other 2 nights he is usually at mine. Most of my clothes (well half but the others I don't really wear!) are here, shoes are here, makeup, hair electrics, all my shower stuff and I've made it my own home. With bought cushions, blankets and throws, make it a bit more comfy.
im feeling quiet happy at this moment in time.
right now. Everythings just nice...
It sucks. Cause it is and has been holding me back for such a long time, i despise it, it's vile and horrid and it makes you feel like the smallest thing in the world with no importance at all.
I'm wanting to cry now just writing about it.
AND don't get me wrong, i am getting better, a hell of alot better in happiness, but confidence- not so much.
I'm shy and barely talk to people and one reason is being afraid of what they think about me, i hate how much i care what people think about me, me and my boyfriend fell out a little last night over that exact point. HE doesn't get it.
I hate being embarrassed, humiliation> Fucking afraid of it.
I am such a scarredy-ass. I hate it. I hate a lot of me. I wish i could press a button and change it.
And if i did believe doctors or medicine could help- i'd go.
Cause it's my thoughts and thoughts of other people's thoughts and my depression a few other hundreds of little things, that make me feel so bad at times.
Right. Hot chocolate is waiting, and a little tele till my boyfriend comes home.
I can't believe he loves me. I don't understand it. WHY would anyone love me?
Suppose i just gotta be grateful and happy about it...
munching out like I have been all evening, watching xfactor. Calories have gone out the wndow today.
had a nice day though.
days go fast enough week-days I mean. Work is alright.
the week goes quick enough, cause im seein my boy more.
lifes better. Each & every day, getting better.
. As cheesy or corny or pathetic I sound. At least im not an utter miserable thing for once...
Is a letdown. Simply let down. You look forward to the weekend, to Saturday for all week, then it comes. And it's shit.
Your in a mood. He's in a mood. Your busy doing shit busy things. Things pop up. Your alone.
So 7 o'clock it's quickly back home then off to Blackpool for amusement arcades like a child and looking at the lights. I just want to get out with my boyfriend and have a little fun. I like doing different things too, just for the ride of getting there (takes not overly long an hour, more, no longer than 2)
So hopefully two or so hours will go quick and then yayyyy.
Pretty average Saturday so far though, it would have been really good- if my boyfriend didn't go out for five-ish hours. Ohwell...
Shit tele, Saturday come onnnnn at least give me some good daytime tele!???
I wish i didn't have the depression spirals, i am kinda lucky when i think about it.
I have an amazing-enough boyfriend, i love him to bits and i'm pretty sure (though everyone says this and it doesn't work) that my love life is sorted, with him, forever.
Money is sometimes an issue, but that isn't everything, and i now have a full time job which i like, the days go quick enough, the only thing could improve is me feeling more comfortable and happy with the other people working there...
so money won't be too bad for a while, saving is a must! still after renting a house in a few months after a few checks have come in for me and my boyfriend (who will start his new job in a month or so...)
I'm not obese, though i sometimes feel it.
I'm not utterly hideous, there is always worse.
I have a nice enough loving enough family, nice enough home, one or two friends, maybe more in the future. I'm not a people person.
That's one of my worst qualities, i hate i can't randomly start a conversation, it sometimes makes thing awkward, makes me seem weird, people don't get me. I hope after a while working here i get to know them better (visa versa).
I'm in a good mood today, if you couldn't guess. It's Friday. YAY!
Righty, back to the boyfriends soon then sleep...
I know its the depression, it hurts me so much, i can't stop the tears coming, listening to sad music won't help.
My boyfriends at work, i messaged him saying how much i hate life and stuff like that and he messaged me saying it sounded like i was going to kill myself and how promise him i won't do anything. He's stupid. I could never do that to him. I don't know why he loves something so repulsive and vile, but he does, and i love him for that, and sort-of hate him for that. I don't know. I just want him to be happy. And falling in love with someone like me, make not make him happy as much as he should be.
He's been going on recently on how i should go to the doctors. I'm thinking i actually might do, cause even if something, somehow, makes me a smidge better- it's better, it's worth it.
So. Tears are probably gonna carry on for a little while, while i continue to look through old pictures and memories flowing back, and missing memories come back and make me so sad. But i'll stop the tears soon, watch a bit of xfactor and wait for him to come home with a bath ready and some supper for him, then sleep.
I've work, first full time shift at new job. Up at 7-7.30, out and back to my house for 6-6.30 ish.
Right. Typing done for now...
. Starting the new job full time this week. 8 hour workdays 1hour break. 1hour of travelling.
sat in boyfriends listening to old music .
he's in one of his moods cause nothing is going right and I woke him up early- never was going to be an amazing day.
back home tomorrow after work, then back to boyfriends day after then back home, blah blah, effort.
I'll be happy when I've got my own house and money comes in.
everything gets better in time, so I'm told, so you hear, I think. It seems so anyway. Urgh.
random going-on about nothing . Blahhh...
. It happened too quick, new job starts part tomorrow and full time near week. Nervous!
what if they dont like me ?
Im not a people person. Eurgh.
. Its gonna be horrible and awkward and I am so nervous I won't like it and I'll set bad impressions . Shit.
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. So. Summer is over. Yes, we didnt have so much of a summer here but now you can extra feel the cold, plus the heating is broken- im freezing. Its raining. Its miserable and dark. I cannot wait till the next summer.
my boyfriend is staying over tonight and tomorrow while he's not working, just two whole days will make the in between few hours fly by, then its a fun weekend in store then a lazy quiet day on Sunday and back to boring life on monday again.
I cant wait for a job, a full time, fully-paid job.
watching tele now, an hour till I drive to pick him up.
I made cake before, gonna munch out on some now, chocolate <3 !
so its been just over a month since I last wrote. Not much has happened, same old boring shit. Being poor sucks, but getting better as school has started so working more and more money now.
hmm. The last month it has been my birthday, which was a drunken day and night with my bestest then the boyfriend joined on later in the night. I ended up completely drunk and sleeping in bed as soon as my head hit the pillow. I got mainly money of family, I got a beautiful necklace a few days late of my guy and it was all good.
me and him finally told my parents his real age & he has a kid. They took it... Okay. They obviously didnt approve but there isn't a thing they can do. I love him. He loves me. And nothings gonna change that.
so. Boring Saturday. Next one will bring more excitment with a kids party to go to then my friends drunken party at night.
nose is non stop running and driving me insane. Stupid cold.
right. Off for searching the cupboards for something to eat then movies and tele time...
I'll try and not leave it so long next time! X
I need this year to hurry up, i want a full time job. i want him to have a full time job. i want us to move in and get our doggy and be happy. i don't want and i know it won't ever happen again like it did on Saturday. I'm not over it, i won't be for a while, it felt weird when i came here today but it feels abit more normal now, i love him, and thats more important than anything, i will forgive him, it will just take a little bit of time.
I am soo not looking forward to telling my mum my boyfriends real age (4 years older than she thinks he is) or the fact he has a little kiddie... I don't care though, i just have to tell them soon- cause, it'll be his birthday soon enough- and that means telling them his age.
OH. It's my birthday in over a week. I want money, money, money.
But i doubt i'll get much.
Urgh. Being pretty poor sucks. Life sucks a hell of alot of the time. Oh well, having a law & order day till the boyfriend is back from work then a few scary movies then sleeps and a movie day tomorrow, we'll get through this...
it wasn't even like I was scared for myself. I was scared for him. He looked so angry. He wouldn't listen. He wouldn't stop. He paced everywhere looking so horrid and scary, blood down his face from when he head-butted the window. I dont know what was up. I know he was completely drunk, but you still shouldn't get that . Its not an excuse, not really.
he woke up, sober-ish. He apologises an says he will make it up to me, he won't stop saying sorry and how shit he feels..he should feel shit.
it was uncalled for.
it was scary.
he's the one who is meant to make me feel safe... I didnt feel safe, I felt the fucking opposite to it.
so im going today back home for a few days, just get away and think. I don't want to be here after last night.
so. Sat in living room watching tele, had dinner, feel a bit icky but I wasn't really drunk, especially when you compare it to him.
home for four ish after I've done some stuff here.
so much for a good drunken night out. So much for the first time I've seen him drunk should be fun. So much for drunken sex and laughs.
it started of good - at least we had that.
im never seeing him like that again, else its over forever. Done...
Been back home for more than a week now. I got a tan. I got sun, sea, pools, cocktails, but i didn't really get happiness on holiday. A big bunch of lonnliness and missing my boyfriend, made it a verrryyyy shitty super long holiday. I couldn't wait to come back home- first time ever i have said that.
So. I'm spending 5 days and nights with my boyfriend, and two living and sleeping at home, as little as possible, i really can't stand it there. as soon as me and my boyfriend get full time jobs, we're moving and i'm out of there.
I think my mum finally understands. I moaned to her about moving and she said we need jobs first- i told her i know.
I wouldn't move in this flat with him, cause i don't like the area- the trampy people and drugs and thiefs. But i am willing to keep some stuff here (well i've been doing that since we met) but he's going to make a wardrobe out of a spare tiny box room for me so i can bring more stuff than just the stuff i keep in the four-drawers that he bought me a few months ago,
Oh. And i barely work anymore now it's summer. I've signed on, i need money, i need a job.
But these next few Saturdays should be good, i'm getting mum borrow me some money to go out, next saturday and the saturday after is a party and a presentation party thing and a couple weeks saturday is my birthday. 19.... OH. Gonna be not a teenager for much longer now, oh well.
RIGHT hands tired from this shitty-too-high keyboard, tele time, im shattered...
Got that song in my head, pretty much cause it is a lovely day. It's sunny and warm and lovely.
Tomorrow I'm going getting my three month injection then spending the day with my boyfriend, then Thursday I'm packing and holiday for a week on Friday, yay.
Sun, pool, sea, hotel, sun.
Yay, yay, yay...
Gonna miss my guy though, oh well, one week I'm away, one week of work.
Can't wait.its come by quick. Ever since Christmas has zoomed by.
Tele now. Dyed my hair at the weekend, hair cut today, dead-ends on my hair are ridiculous.
One more shift left, yay, just to get today over with now ...
sat watching tele in the bedroom of my boyfriends place, he's watching boring tele in the living room so decided a hour or so away from that boring stuffs. Spent a long weekend at his place, later on this week is holiday in the sun a week away, only downside are - hmm, 3 actually, no boyfriend, holiday with the annoying family and its actually started to sun here, finally, its roasting. > hopefully it won't last the whole week we are away, rather it save the sun for when I come back. But I cant get a clear blue sea and pools and hotels at home, where my week holiday I can at least...
gonna ask my mum if I can stay over here Tuesday, cause yeah, ill miss his stinky ars when I go for seven days. And I know he'll miss me too, he's cheesy and over protective at times, he's moody and annoying but I love that man to death, id do anything for him.
Only thing is been feeling lees... Horny recently, last few times/nights we've had sex iv not enjoyed it as much or orgasmed as much, too.much information, I don't care, my blog for myself for my personal thoughts, just saver as public for anyones boredom or curiousity
. Now, gonna watch this without types now, then bath and beddies...
Previous Postsworlds cruel..., posted November 26th, 2013
hope everythings fine..., posted November 13th, 2013
all done..., posted October 26th, 2013
moody thing..., posted October 23rd, 2013
new day..., posted October 12th, 2013
Its' confidence..., posted October 9th, 2013
better for tomorrow..., posted September 29th, 2013
saturday..., posted September 28th, 2013
kinda lucky..., posted September 27th, 2013
something wrong..., posted September 22nd, 2013
starting..., posted September 22nd, 2013
too quick, too nervous..., posted September 16th, 2013, 1 comment
desperation led to goodness..., posted September 15th, 2013
second week..., posted September 11th, 2013
not much..., posted September 7th, 2013
better..., posted August 6th, 2013
it hurts..., posted August 4th, 2013
home..., posted July 29th, 2013
Lovely day..., posted July 9th, 2013
says it by the name..., posted July 7th, 2013
Not sure..., posted July 2nd, 2013
living for the weekends..., posted June 25th, 2013
What's happened..., posted June 12th, 2013
long..., posted May 19th, 2013
too good..., posted May 8th, 2013
dog..., posted May 6th, 2013
touchy..., posted May 5th, 2013, 1 comment
mood..., posted May 4th, 2013
happy..., posted May 2nd, 2013
away..., posted April 28th, 2013
bound to happen..., posted April 27th, 2013
story..., posted April 21st, 2013
lazy sunday..., posted April 21st, 2013
time again..., posted April 20th, 2013
think..., posted April 17th, 2013
money..., posted April 17th, 2013
sun brings smiles..., posted April 15th, 2013
on my way..., posted April 13th, 2013
good..., posted April 12th, 2013
me..., posted April 11th, 2013
urm..., posted April 11th, 2013
wonderful..., posted April 10th, 2013
candy..., posted April 8th, 2013
clutter..., posted April 7th, 2013
sad..., posted April 6th, 2013
saturday night..., posted March 30th, 2013
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damm..., posted March 29th, 2013
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