I want to be that one.
The one whose happily ever after happens.
The love story. Nothings perfect, but we'd be close.
No divorce. No split family.
Every now and then, usually when I have time alone.
Like Christmas week I didn't like to much, a whole week just boredom in between Christmas and new years, I wasn't in work. Everyone else was.
So depression comes back.
It makes me feel so horrendous. Scared. Lonely. Suicidal.
I felt that way yesterday.
Saturdays drunken thoughts lingering where the fault of that though.
I do think way too much.
I hope the feelings never get too much, never destroy me.
I wish I was more confident. More me when its just me and someone I'm close with, with everyone else I'm just a quiet weird girl.
I hate it .
I wish I could be me. The real me. All the fucking time.
I just hope with age, I get better with that.
I hope with time, the thoughts subside a bit,a little.
And the happily ever after will last forever...
May just be a fairytale. But it can happen.
I look at my mum and dad, how many years later and struggles and they are still the most amazing couple in the world.
It can happen. To me? I'm not sure, just hope and wait...
I haven't wrote in a while, i have a few times but kept as private for only my eyes to see.
How's it going?
The house is finally pretty much sorted, our home.
Work's going good, i think, i hope, it seems to be anyway.
I hate my personality, if i was just a tad more confident, more outgoing- things would be so much easier. Maybe that will come with time.
Drink. If i could drink alcohol all the time the problem would fade significantly, but that isnt an option, obviously.
So. My Saturday. Me being slightly bored, watching tele, tidying up, going through old pictures, catching up on the world of facebook and EP.
Its mine and my boyfriends anniversairy soon.
I hope the middle of this year i will have a ring on a certain finger.
I know he's planning on it this year, but when? 31st December knowing him!
But no, we are great, we still have fights, we still have cuddles and showers and baths together and text each other when we're at work and can't hang up a phonecall without saying i love you.
I never thought i could be so in love with someone.
Someone like him.
Someone who drives me so insane in so many different ways, in some ways we are the same in others we are the complete oppisite, and i think that's the magic.
I re-read what i wrote on here from when i first met him. It's crazy.
It's cringing to read what i wrote but also intreseting to see how i actually felt, to see i did fall ridiculously quick for him, and him for me. Like a whirlwind.
My first love.
My only love.
Sometimes i wish it didn't happen the way it has. Because he does have a kid. That kid had a mother. And that mother is a bitch. She is. She's horrendous. He actually couldn't have picked a worst women. She's selfish, stupid, ridiculous.
She has made that beautiful little girl really spoilt and selfish and grown up far too much for her age.
I said it the other day, i said to him how i wish, sometimes, that i didn't love him. Cause' sometimes it is hard, with someone like that, but it'll all be worth it, he is worth it.
Never did i think, never was it MY plan to fall so maddly in love with a man with a child with a age gap. But it doesn't matter. LOVE is the only thing that matters (yes i did laugh a little while writting that- ubbber cringy i know!!)
Money is okay to at the minute. We will never be rich, but we're not poor. We have enough to buy nice things occassionally, treat ourselves to a meal and drinks every now and then, we have nice things, we're fine.
Mums as amazing as ever.
I can't believe growing up as a teenager i disliked her so much.
I'm 20. I have the best mum in the world.
I never thought i'd say that a few years ago, but these last couple years have shown how amazing of a women she really is. She is amazing. As a person, as a mum.
And my dad is great too! i never really realised how amazing my childish and family were and are. I was lucky for the beggining of my life, hit a spot for a few years, but everythings fine and good.
I still believe depression will always live in me, sometimes its so hard when it hits me, but thats not very often at all now.
So, im hating this weather. WInter sucks.
A little bit of snow, a bit of rain.
To be honest this winter isn't as bad as usual.
The rain isn't as horrendous as i remember it usually being.
But i am 100% a summers girl.
Well the 'summer' that we have isn't great still, freezing temperatures and rain more than sun sometimes, oh well, what you get for living in this part of England.
Time to watch some more tele.
- hope everyone is doing amazingly well and i'll try to write more often
I behave like a child sometimes, at least i can admit it. I go all stroppy and moody and sulk and stamp and want to scream in someones face for effect, but so what.
YES i no longer will be a teenager in a few weeks. I will be in the 20-30 category. Oh god! I feel old no longer being a teen soon. At least when i see dickhead stupid 14 year olds i can say "stupid fucking teenagers" without thinking- oh i still am one.
Last week i was an emotional wreck at work. My boyfriend and i had a little arguement which turned into something big, i don't know what was up with me- i freaked out. I cried and cried and couldn't stop crying, in front of everyone in the staff room. I stopped getting up to the toilet because i just carried on crying, the red puffy face was still there and the teary eyes wouldn't stop. So i gave up and cried- in front of everyone, WHICH is something i never do!
I was open, raw, week.
I got home, we made up really easily, we were fine. As always.
I must had just needed a little breakdown or something. I couldn't help myself or stop it.
SO this week is doing okay. Not long left till birthday candles.
Not long left till we're on that airaplane to Spain.
I hope its nice, i've been so excited for so long!
one holiday a year is not enough !
fucking be grateful i have one though! (thank you mummy & daddy!)
So home alone tonight. Movie in a minute. Bed & me.
UP early this morning and same again tomorrow.
hmmmm. righty, ill try to write near or just after my birthday.
So things are good.
Moneys okay. Insurance money coming through, mum helping out & boyfriends new good better paying job.
Holiday in less than a month.
Birthday in less than a month.
Then some weddings.. Concerts & Christmas.
Not sure if 2013 or 2014 wins.
Probably 2013 just because of all the new begginings.
Then again we'll be moving into OUR home hopefully in a couple months... When we find whereabouts we wanna live.
And this year or next a ring on my finger is looking likely!
Hell- we're practically married already haha..
But yeah exciting times ahead .
Don't worry everything will be much better than okay ! :)
this 4 day week is becoming super long.
Today at work, wasn't the best. Not the worst but still. Meh.
dunno what iv done but im aching to fuck in my shoulder. Boo me.
super need cuddles tonight with my amazing guy.
diets started over day going well.
exercise not so much, but today i have a good excuse.
Hopefully my body feels better tomorrow.
righty. Healthy food soon then a long soak then lots of cuddles & a movie . Yay
friday tomorrow too woo.
these last few days have been amazing.
having a little time off work, looking forward to the future and more time with my boyfriend has been super fab! :)
shopping, lazy nap day, little getaway, drunkness, alot of super horny sex, ticked of a couple of things on the sex bucket list. Lots of munchies and sleep and preparing for tomorrow, new start.
realising I cant fit into clothes really that used to be baggy on me, has made me seriously have enough. Especially holidays coming closer and dont want to look horrendous there. I want to look okay at least.
. Up early. Shopping for two weekly shop.
new diet. Alot more soups. No more chocolate. Alot more exercise.
boyfriend too. We need to get fitter. Letting selves go... Ooops.!
set out an exercise plan and alot more healthy eating.
This weight is coming off..
positivity and hard work.
im happy at the minute though, I love him, im loving life.
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I dont know why they hate me so much.
Its like being back in school, but worse.
maybe its cause im shy and unconfident at times.
I admit I wasn't that good when I started but now I am.
they just have it in for me.
still liking work. Except for I know the true hatred two girls have towards me... I knew it was them two who snitched on me. I least I know it was just them two.
how they want me out of there and im shit at what I do and how annoying I am and useless.
I don't see how or why them two are so cruel.
and to mke it worse one of the bitches is moving into the same place as me, so with her all the time now at work. not looking forward to work now.
gonna look for a new job soon.
I want to know where approx to look, but won't know that till my boy gets a job then we move then ill know.
so I'll have to cope for now.
try my best.
Ignore the skanks.
they bully every new person.
And continue it on with quiet a few people too.
just gotta be strong I suppose. Something I am pretty shit at.
so I got myself all hysterically crying over this and the fact I want to move out of this smack area and then had a tiff with the boyfriend.
going on about how I need help again for depression.
"we have one or two issues- your depression and amount of sex"
is he taking the piss!?
with 3 days sex isn't possible and the other few nights after work im shattered or he isn't quick enough.
I told him if hes expecting it 10 times a week that isn't going to happen.
its just fitting it in when im not half asleep fromworking all the time.
todays just gonna be a lazy day in bed wallowing in myself.
I hate life.
I hate me.
Hopefully next week won't be too horendous...
Getting on with things and thinking positive.
work went good and quick last week. Todays gone too though and tomorrow will too most likely.
Friday night went out for a meal, was nice, 2nd valentines with him...
only thing is- we hadn't had sex for 11 days. Record for a while.
so tired with work. Been ill.both been achy. Just hasn't happened.
no longer though. That is not happening again.
Todays sex was amazing. Should be after the time not had it! Hahahaha.
Super horny and didnt last far too long, but it was still amazing.
repeat tonight when he is home from.work.
This morning I was in a mood, I don't know what was up with me, then I decided nosying through his phone and saw some old texts, they were from before we met but I dont know what was up with me, I thought he's cheated on me and this and that, im so stupid at times! I don't know how he copes with me.
all good though. He reassured me, cheered me up, had some tele and cuddles, bubble bath, massage, sex and food. I love him.
This cough is driving me mad!!!
so. Had Tele choice all to myself, lazy saturday, bit busier tomorrow, lets see how it goes...
Back to work now. These last few days have been nice and a good relaxing time, weekend soon- short week is gonna feel weird! Then back to normal for a couple months till i have a few more days off, blah, blah...
i need my boyfriend to get a job, hope someone employs him soon as! i don't see why he isn't getting anywhere, any place would be lucky to have him, he's smart, intelligent, have iniative, is funny... He just should have a job then we have more money, then we can move !! finally! Feels waiting far too long.
Valentines soon, booked a resturant for some food. Yum. Oh and present.
It was our anniversairy the other day, i said we could both ask for one thing as well as the pressies we got each other, i asked to have some things made for me- like a drink when i'm too lazy to get up, and a backrub. He asked for bum sex.
So, when im intoxicated enough to not be over nervous and in pain, we're gonna try it, cause he's never done it before and is really curious, so one time won't kill me.
Arms hurting- stupid high keyboard.
I'll try and write soon.
in bed, sleep soon, backs stopped hurting abit yay. getting car fixed and curtosy car on monday. Getting things sorted.
presents wrapped for valentines & 1 year anniversary.
Friday tomorrow then a few days off to relax with my guy! :)
watching bodyshockers about tattoos. Can't wait till I get my tattoo, won't be a massive obvious one though!
bringing exercise machine here instead of being at home where its no used.
lose weight. get back to 8 stone.
have hair dyed & cut.
then hopefully money from claim will come through, boyfriend gets a job-- we can move out! And start a life together away from this unlucky flat.
right. Tired. Raining - again!
or not good enough. Either way I don't like it. I fucking hate it. And it makes me so angry and scared.
he doesn't seem to love me as much.
he had a go at me for wanting sex half way through a movie. He used to love that.
he didnt want me to tickle him or anything, he just told me to stop or said how annoying I am or how I hurt him.
hes now hurt me.
cause I am an emotional wreck. I hate it.
tears are coming, fucking hate crying- stupid body.
he saw I was nearly crying when I walked out..i held it in and said nothing was wrong. He's not even come to see how I am- that's becoming too common. Like his shouting. Like him getting annoyed rather than sympathising when im depressed in my moods.
. So Friday and saturday were really good.
sunday- today has been pretty shit. I've just not been in a good mood.
I wanna be good enough.
for him. At work. In life
and I dont think I ever will. Im just a failure. And most probably always will. I always fall back down to earth and feel like this. I cant stay happy...
I believe, or hope, that this life is the middle. Its the deciding ground. this life is so shit, its sadness and work mostly. That this is were whoever, judges you, and there is life after this one. And that is the real life. The happy one, the fun one, the real one.
so I just gotta survive this one, to make it to that.
at least im not depressed as I used to be.
I used to be horribly depressed, everyday.
so im kinda lucky right now. That I have some, more- alot more happy days. And I have someone who says he loves me.
even if it doesn't feel like it at times...
More positive than normal...
There is always a good to come out of a bad situation.
A guy decided to not pay attention and bump into the back of me the other day, my back hurts, my neck did hurt, so i'm claiming for whiplash as is my boyfriend and going mechanics tomorrow to get my car checked out, there may be inner damage.
But the good side- money.
MONEY is a bitch with me. I love it, but i somehow think it doesn't love me. cause' it seems to disapear far too quickly.
A week into getting paid i was 600pounds down. Oh boo.
But the claim will give us some money, sort his debts out, set me saving more. Well start saving- i always put some money into my savings account but end up moving it sometime in the month cause i need the money.
Listening to music, typing- just done the laundry like a good housewife,, hahahaha, first time for everything, right?
I'm tired. Sleeps soon for a couple hours till he gets back then maybe i'll ignore the pain of my back for half a hour of quickie sex (maybe not quickie) then back to sleep, work again early tomorrow. Ah, Life :/
We actually had a 2 minute probably quickie the other week, how strange! both super horny, quickest ever!
And i thought advert break of 3-4 minutes we did once was quick! Well that shot a new record!
Not sure what else to say, need to try and come on EP more, i miss it strangely.
Rightyo. Off i go, hopefully i'll blurt some more shit out soon...
I want him to come home. He's out for a few hours, a few hours too many. At least tomorrow we're having a nice movie night in when im home from work.
I can't wait for the future .
I can't wait to move out- boyfriend definitely needs a job asap.
im excited for the future! We'll get married and have babies and continue being super happy most of the times continue smiling and arguing and lovin'
its nearly been a year since me and my man met.
its flown by. It hasn't been easy or utterly amazing all the time, but im happy with him, I couldn't love someone as him and as if I actually met him and hes the one. As corny or whatever that sounds.
in a rather soppy mood.
tele now, super bored. hopefully he's home soon and my boredom will be cured just a smidge...
sooo horny today!
. My boyfriend won't fuck me just yet cause hes busy, he said I should before when we were watchin a movie. Oh I shoulda. Guess I need wait a little now.
with the injection I've been super dry at times, like affecting our sex life dry, where the last week or so I've been super horny and wet all the time! Even after we've just had 30minute sex i want more. I even carried on on top the other day once he had cum and I made him all tired and achy...
far too horny at times!!!
I shouldn't complain id rather be like this than super dry. I just wish I was always a happy compromise.
at least I know im in for some super horny sex tonight, gonna jump on him! Hahahahaha, oh dear...
so Christmas is done with, new years is over... Went back to work the other day, short week now everythings like it used to be.
Christmas was super good. My boyfriend enjoyed himself with my family and he usually doesn't like Xmas, so I was extra happy. Got some good prezzies, and new years didnt put me in the mood this year, as it never normally does- so a movie night in then watchin the fireworks on tele made a nice enough plan.
I hope I get my holidays I've booked for at work, planning my time off already- then mum said she'll buy me and my man a cheep holiday week away later on in the year for my birthday. Cant wait.
I hate January, freezing cold, all the fucking time.
so im having a lazy saturday in my pjs watching my programmes till he comes home, food, bath then scary movie night and probably a lazy Sunday tomorrow too!
I'm gonna try dietting again this year, I got my next injection again today and I haven't put any weight on- I was convinced I've gained half or even a full stone, and I've lost nearly half!
just under 9 stone again, stayed the same weight going up then back down again for about a year now. At least I haven't gained any, even though I feel fatter than ever now. Stupid mind. Stupid me.
oh well. Righty concentration on tv now then I'll get some late dinner , only small, soon. Hate a 10am breakfast so not even hungry yet.
oh. OH and the flat feels more and more homely. I wouldn't mind staying here and wanting to get out so much if it wasn't for that shitty neighbour.
new couches from a friend, it looks really good and spacious in there now.
New washer, since the old one fucked up! Mum gave me the money- thank god I have them, at least its alot newer and quieter.
we tidyed up the other day so its all clean and nice, goooood!
righty. Back whenever I have time, not tired & can remember...
My stuff like that i love is at home, where i have spent 19 years of my life, where my mum and dad and brothers are. Some of my clothes and shoes and stuff are here, i keep the stuff i wouldn't want broken or stolen here, i think it feels safer- it is safer, as an area, defiently.
But now i feel like home is with him. In that little shitty area flat, with stupid trampy neighbours and not as much space and it still feels more like home, and him more like family than my own family-blood family.
I don't get why i despice them so much at times, they haven't ever done anything bad to me, it doesn't make much sense, i just don't feel as i belong without him.
I miss him. Cause i'm back in my mums house now. In my room. I've missed it a little i suppose- i just want all my pictures, ordaments and teddy's in my home with him. I can't wait for a few months maybe, when we can afford it, we're gonna rent a house and then everything here can move there. And it defiantly will be home.
So i've nearly cried today, i just don't want to be here + i was and still am listening to some pretty depressing much (cause of course that always help! not)
So yeah- family just annoys me.
But bright sides, always look on them rather than being negative-nelly.
CHRISTMAS is coming, real soon. 7 days this time next week, it will be coming to an end. I kinda don't want it to come just cause when it's gone, it only comes back in another year. Another wait. Then nothing to look forward to, christmas is always better in thought than actual thing anyway, it's usually a bit of a letdown, but i don't remember that the year later.
Another thing is mum & dad haven't told my brother my boyfriend's age yet- i don't know what they think he will think- he won't be happy cause he is super protective and kinda a dick but it's tough. Me and MY boyfriend are in love, and despite it wasn't the fairytale and the exact circumstances i may have wanted it, i will always be his, and he will always be MINE.
I've bought all presents- i did more than a month ago.
The Christmas jumper has been out lots of times- as has christmas songs been played.
A few more days work this week, nearly half way through.
Then a nice day and night saturday hopefully, shopping, food then drinking for my boyfriends birthday. Then Sunday is the exchanging of pressies at my boyfriends mums house. Work Monday, Work finishing early xmas eve Tuesday, then its christmas, of work for just over a week then back to normal again.
I miss my old laptop, this one isn't as right, isn't as good, boo.
OHwell. So, hopefully, maybe, if i can squeeze it in- i'll write just before the 25th if not, Merry Christmas all. I hope it brings you all happiness, no tears, lots of presents and a great big smile on your face with your loved ones or on your own, .
whatever it is, i just hope your happy.
It sucks not being happy.
Righty, gonna do some googling cause i'm bored then shower and sleep, early start as usual. Nighty all...
watching law & order , Urgh, it is only a program but some ideas of real life, the world is evil.
so. My weekend was lovely, little weekend away with my guy, I really wshed I could stay there.
right now im in a pretty poo mood, I feel hideous- sick of being chubby & ugly and coveredin spots- even when I've not worn makeup in months. Fucks me off. I give up.
then there's my boyfriend. He's always moody, but sometimes I get the teeing he doesn't love me as much as he used to.
I think too much and too stupid, probably.
gonna have a long bath now and early night.
work as usual in morning, half way through the week already tomorrow! Yayyayyay...
lifes doing okay. Just tired and coughing at the moment. Got a cold.
my boyfriend is a big worrying bit recently.
this new job isn't going straight forward, but mainly bout his health. He's got asthma and recently its been really bad. Non stop coughing. Can't breathe properly. Being sick over coughing and blood showing up earlier today. He takes his inhalors all the time. He's going the doctors soon, I hope they'll give him some checks or something, it shouldn't be that bad.
another topic. I cant wait for Christmas! Its getting closer and all, most, presents are bought and wrapped already. Got my Christmas jumpers ready to be worn.
my throat is killing me. Shit immune system.
works going good though, feeling more comfortable there...
so tonight the boyfriend is out for a few hours, im gonna have a nice hot bath, shave, moisturise, pluck eyebrows and tan then sleep. Home again tomorrow, I rarely go home anymore and I dont get mithered about it much anymore either. Its good.
foods ready soon, cant wait for a nice 100% staying in weekend for once. Yay...
Previous Postsit will be me, won't it..., posted February 16th, 2015
public..., posted January 31st, 2015
emotional child..., posted August 12th, 2014
excitement up up up..., posted August 3rd, 2014
cuddles for me..., posted May 8th, 2014
happy, happier, happiness..., posted May 4th, 2014
not one of those days..., posted April 29th, 2014
just happy..., posted April 23rd, 2014
hatred..., posted February 22nd, 2014
on with things..., posted February 15th, 2014
time..., posted February 5th, 2014
boredness blah..., posted January 30th, 2014
not right..., posted January 26th, 2014
always a good..., posted January 21st, 2014
waiting for the future..., posted January 13th, 2014
super horny..., posted January 5th, 2014
back to normal..., posted January 4th, 2014
home..., posted December 18th, 2013
worlds cruel..., posted November 26th, 2013
hope everythings fine..., posted November 13th, 2013
all done..., posted October 26th, 2013
moody thing..., posted October 23rd, 2013
new day..., posted October 12th, 2013
Its' confidence..., posted October 9th, 2013
better for tomorrow..., posted September 29th, 2013
saturday..., posted September 28th, 2013
kinda lucky..., posted September 27th, 2013
something wrong..., posted September 22nd, 2013
starting..., posted September 22nd, 2013
too quick, too nervous..., posted September 16th, 2013, 1 comment
desperation led to goodness..., posted September 15th, 2013
second week..., posted September 11th, 2013
not much..., posted September 7th, 2013
better..., posted August 6th, 2013
it hurts..., posted August 4th, 2013
home..., posted July 29th, 2013
Lovely day..., posted July 9th, 2013
says it by the name..., posted July 7th, 2013
Not sure..., posted July 2nd, 2013
living for the weekends..., posted June 25th, 2013
What's happened..., posted June 12th, 2013
long..., posted May 19th, 2013
too good..., posted May 8th, 2013
dog..., posted May 6th, 2013
touchy..., posted May 5th, 2013
mood..., posted May 4th, 2013
happy..., posted May 2nd, 2013
away..., posted April 28th, 2013
bound to happen..., posted April 27th, 2013
story..., posted April 21st, 2013
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