I dont know why they hate me so much.
Its like being back in school, but worse.
maybe its cause im shy and unconfident at times.
I admit I wasn't that good when I started but now I am.
they just have it in for me.
still liking work. Except for I know the true hatred two girls have towards me... I knew it was them two who snitched on me. I least I know it was just them two.
how they want me out of there and im shit at what I do and how annoying I am and useless.
I don't see how or why them two are so cruel.
and to mke it worse one of the bitches is moving into the same place as me, so with her all the time now at work. not looking forward to work now.
gonna look for a new job soon.
I want to know where approx to look, but won't know that till my boy gets a job then we move then ill know.
so I'll have to cope for now.
try my best.
Ignore the skanks.
they bully every new person.
And continue it on with quiet a few people too.
just gotta be strong I suppose. Something I am pretty shit at.
so I got myself all hysterically crying over this and the fact I want to move out of this smack area and then had a tiff with the boyfriend.
going on about how I need help again for depression.
"we have one or two issues- your depression and amount of sex"
is he taking the piss!?
with 3 days sex isn't possible and the other few nights after work im shattered or he isn't quick enough.
I told him if hes expecting it 10 times a week that isn't going to happen.
its just fitting it in when im not half asleep fromworking all the time.
todays just gonna be a lazy day in bed wallowing in myself.
I hate life.
I hate me.
Hopefully next week won't be too horendous...
Getting on with things and thinking positive.
work went good and quick last week. Todays gone too though and tomorrow will too most likely.
Friday night went out for a meal, was nice, 2nd valentines with him...
only thing is- we hadn't had sex for 11 days. Record for a while.
so tired with work. Been ill.both been achy. Just hasn't happened.
no longer though. That is not happening again.
Todays sex was amazing. Should be after the time not had it! Hahahaha.
Super horny and didnt last far too long, but it was still amazing.
repeat tonight when he is home from.work.
This morning I was in a mood, I don't know what was up with me, then I decided nosying through his phone and saw some old texts, they were from before we met but I dont know what was up with me, I thought he's cheated on me and this and that, im so stupid at times! I don't know how he copes with me.
all good though. He reassured me, cheered me up, had some tele and cuddles, bubble bath, massage, sex and food. I love him.
This cough is driving me mad!!!
so. Had Tele choice all to myself, lazy saturday, bit busier tomorrow, lets see how it goes...
Back to work now. These last few days have been nice and a good relaxing time, weekend soon- short week is gonna feel weird! Then back to normal for a couple months till i have a few more days off, blah, blah...
i need my boyfriend to get a job, hope someone employs him soon as! i don't see why he isn't getting anywhere, any place would be lucky to have him, he's smart, intelligent, have iniative, is funny... He just should have a job then we have more money, then we can move !! finally! Feels waiting far too long.
Valentines soon, booked a resturant for some food. Yum. Oh and present.
It was our anniversairy the other day, i said we could both ask for one thing as well as the pressies we got each other, i asked to have some things made for me- like a drink when i'm too lazy to get up, and a backrub. He asked for bum sex.
So, when im intoxicated enough to not be over nervous and in pain, we're gonna try it, cause he's never done it before and is really curious, so one time won't kill me.
Arms hurting- stupid high keyboard.
I'll try and write soon.
in bed, sleep soon, backs stopped hurting abit yay. getting car fixed and curtosy car on monday. Getting things sorted.
presents wrapped for valentines & 1 year anniversary.
Friday tomorrow then a few days off to relax with my guy! :)
watching bodyshockers about tattoos. Can't wait till I get my tattoo, won't be a massive obvious one though!
bringing exercise machine here instead of being at home where its no used.
lose weight. get back to 8 stone.
have hair dyed & cut.
then hopefully money from claim will come through, boyfriend gets a job-- we can move out! And start a life together away from this unlucky flat.
right. Tired. Raining - again!
or not good enough. Either way I don't like it. I fucking hate it. And it makes me so angry and scared.
he doesn't seem to love me as much.
he had a go at me for wanting sex half way through a movie. He used to love that.
he didnt want me to tickle him or anything, he just told me to stop or said how annoying I am or how I hurt him.
hes now hurt me.
cause I am an emotional wreck. I hate it.
tears are coming, fucking hate crying- stupid body.
he saw I was nearly crying when I walked out..i held it in and said nothing was wrong. He's not even come to see how I am- that's becoming too common. Like his shouting. Like him getting annoyed rather than sympathising when im depressed in my moods.
. So Friday and saturday were really good.
sunday- today has been pretty shit. I've just not been in a good mood.
I wanna be good enough.
for him. At work. In life
and I dont think I ever will. Im just a failure. And most probably always will. I always fall back down to earth and feel like this. I cant stay happy...
I believe, or hope, that this life is the middle. Its the deciding ground. this life is so shit, its sadness and work mostly. That this is were whoever, judges you, and there is life after this one. And that is the real life. The happy one, the fun one, the real one.
so I just gotta survive this one, to make it to that.
at least im not depressed as I used to be.
I used to be horribly depressed, everyday.
so im kinda lucky right now. That I have some, more- alot more happy days. And I have someone who says he loves me.
even if it doesn't feel like it at times...
More positive than normal...
There is always a good to come out of a bad situation.
A guy decided to not pay attention and bump into the back of me the other day, my back hurts, my neck did hurt, so i'm claiming for whiplash as is my boyfriend and going mechanics tomorrow to get my car checked out, there may be inner damage.
But the good side- money.
MONEY is a bitch with me. I love it, but i somehow think it doesn't love me. cause' it seems to disapear far too quickly.
A week into getting paid i was 600pounds down. Oh boo.
But the claim will give us some money, sort his debts out, set me saving more. Well start saving- i always put some money into my savings account but end up moving it sometime in the month cause i need the money.
Listening to music, typing- just done the laundry like a good housewife,, hahahaha, first time for everything, right?
I'm tired. Sleeps soon for a couple hours till he gets back then maybe i'll ignore the pain of my back for half a hour of quickie sex (maybe not quickie) then back to sleep, work again early tomorrow. Ah, Life :/
We actually had a 2 minute probably quickie the other week, how strange! both super horny, quickest ever!
And i thought advert break of 3-4 minutes we did once was quick! Well that shot a new record!
Not sure what else to say, need to try and come on EP more, i miss it strangely.
Rightyo. Off i go, hopefully i'll blurt some more shit out soon...
I want him to come home. He's out for a few hours, a few hours too many. At least tomorrow we're having a nice movie night in when im home from work.
I can't wait for the future .
I can't wait to move out- boyfriend definitely needs a job asap.
im excited for the future! We'll get married and have babies and continue being super happy most of the times continue smiling and arguing and lovin'
its nearly been a year since me and my man met.
its flown by. It hasn't been easy or utterly amazing all the time, but im happy with him, I couldn't love someone as him and as if I actually met him and hes the one. As corny or whatever that sounds.
in a rather soppy mood.
tele now, super bored. hopefully he's home soon and my boredom will be cured just a smidge...
sooo horny today!
. My boyfriend won't fuck me just yet cause hes busy, he said I should before when we were watchin a movie. Oh I shoulda. Guess I need wait a little now.
with the injection I've been super dry at times, like affecting our sex life dry, where the last week or so I've been super horny and wet all the time! Even after we've just had 30minute sex i want more. I even carried on on top the other day once he had cum and I made him all tired and achy...
far too horny at times!!!
I shouldn't complain id rather be like this than super dry. I just wish I was always a happy compromise.
at least I know im in for some super horny sex tonight, gonna jump on him! Hahahahaha, oh dear...
so Christmas is done with, new years is over... Went back to work the other day, short week now everythings like it used to be.
Christmas was super good. My boyfriend enjoyed himself with my family and he usually doesn't like Xmas, so I was extra happy. Got some good prezzies, and new years didnt put me in the mood this year, as it never normally does- so a movie night in then watchin the fireworks on tele made a nice enough plan.
I hope I get my holidays I've booked for at work, planning my time off already- then mum said she'll buy me and my man a cheep holiday week away later on in the year for my birthday. Cant wait.
I hate January, freezing cold, all the fucking time.
so im having a lazy saturday in my pjs watching my programmes till he comes home, food, bath then scary movie night and probably a lazy Sunday tomorrow too!
I'm gonna try dietting again this year, I got my next injection again today and I haven't put any weight on- I was convinced I've gained half or even a full stone, and I've lost nearly half!
just under 9 stone again, stayed the same weight going up then back down again for about a year now. At least I haven't gained any, even though I feel fatter than ever now. Stupid mind. Stupid me.
oh well. Righty concentration on tv now then I'll get some late dinner , only small, soon. Hate a 10am breakfast so not even hungry yet.
oh. OH and the flat feels more and more homely. I wouldn't mind staying here and wanting to get out so much if it wasn't for that shitty neighbour.
new couches from a friend, it looks really good and spacious in there now.
New washer, since the old one fucked up! Mum gave me the money- thank god I have them, at least its alot newer and quieter.
we tidyed up the other day so its all clean and nice, goooood!
righty. Back whenever I have time, not tired & can remember...
My stuff like that i love is at home, where i have spent 19 years of my life, where my mum and dad and brothers are. Some of my clothes and shoes and stuff are here, i keep the stuff i wouldn't want broken or stolen here, i think it feels safer- it is safer, as an area, defiently.
But now i feel like home is with him. In that little shitty area flat, with stupid trampy neighbours and not as much space and it still feels more like home, and him more like family than my own family-blood family.
I don't get why i despice them so much at times, they haven't ever done anything bad to me, it doesn't make much sense, i just don't feel as i belong without him.
I miss him. Cause i'm back in my mums house now. In my room. I've missed it a little i suppose- i just want all my pictures, ordaments and teddy's in my home with him. I can't wait for a few months maybe, when we can afford it, we're gonna rent a house and then everything here can move there. And it defiantly will be home.
So i've nearly cried today, i just don't want to be here + i was and still am listening to some pretty depressing much (cause of course that always help! not)
So yeah- family just annoys me.
But bright sides, always look on them rather than being negative-nelly.
CHRISTMAS is coming, real soon. 7 days this time next week, it will be coming to an end. I kinda don't want it to come just cause when it's gone, it only comes back in another year. Another wait. Then nothing to look forward to, christmas is always better in thought than actual thing anyway, it's usually a bit of a letdown, but i don't remember that the year later.
Another thing is mum & dad haven't told my brother my boyfriend's age yet- i don't know what they think he will think- he won't be happy cause he is super protective and kinda a dick but it's tough. Me and MY boyfriend are in love, and despite it wasn't the fairytale and the exact circumstances i may have wanted it, i will always be his, and he will always be MINE.
I've bought all presents- i did more than a month ago.
The Christmas jumper has been out lots of times- as has christmas songs been played.
A few more days work this week, nearly half way through.
Then a nice day and night saturday hopefully, shopping, food then drinking for my boyfriends birthday. Then Sunday is the exchanging of pressies at my boyfriends mums house. Work Monday, Work finishing early xmas eve Tuesday, then its christmas, of work for just over a week then back to normal again.
I miss my old laptop, this one isn't as right, isn't as good, boo.
OHwell. So, hopefully, maybe, if i can squeeze it in- i'll write just before the 25th if not, Merry Christmas all. I hope it brings you all happiness, no tears, lots of presents and a great big smile on your face with your loved ones or on your own, .
whatever it is, i just hope your happy.
It sucks not being happy.
Righty, gonna do some googling cause i'm bored then shower and sleep, early start as usual. Nighty all...
watching law & order , Urgh, it is only a program but some ideas of real life, the world is evil.
so. My weekend was lovely, little weekend away with my guy, I really wshed I could stay there.
right now im in a pretty poo mood, I feel hideous- sick of being chubby & ugly and coveredin spots- even when I've not worn makeup in months. Fucks me off. I give up.
then there's my boyfriend. He's always moody, but sometimes I get the teeing he doesn't love me as much as he used to.
I think too much and too stupid, probably.
gonna have a long bath now and early night.
work as usual in morning, half way through the week already tomorrow! Yayyayyay...
lifes doing okay. Just tired and coughing at the moment. Got a cold.
my boyfriend is a big worrying bit recently.
this new job isn't going straight forward, but mainly bout his health. He's got asthma and recently its been really bad. Non stop coughing. Can't breathe properly. Being sick over coughing and blood showing up earlier today. He takes his inhalors all the time. He's going the doctors soon, I hope they'll give him some checks or something, it shouldn't be that bad.
another topic. I cant wait for Christmas! Its getting closer and all, most, presents are bought and wrapped already. Got my Christmas jumpers ready to be worn.
my throat is killing me. Shit immune system.
works going good though, feeling more comfortable there...
so tonight the boyfriend is out for a few hours, im gonna have a nice hot bath, shave, moisturise, pluck eyebrows and tan then sleep. Home again tomorrow, I rarely go home anymore and I dont get mithered about it much anymore either. Its good.
foods ready soon, cant wait for a nice 100% staying in weekend for once. Yay...
sat at my home away from home, bought a few more pressies, had a bath, dryed and straightened hair, shaven everywhere and moisturised.
sat on the couch waiting for it to dry.
boyfriend Is home soon then out for a meal then a night in.
threw up lodes yesterday. Called in sick. I must have have a bug cause i feel nearly all better now.
gonna do a tad more online shopping.
next month i WILL budget my wages !...
Sat at home, not at the boyfriends for once.
Listening to old Avril Lavigne songs, miserableness even more but there super good too, so, why not?
Yeah, so now, its 5 days at my boyfriends flat. 2 at mine. well nights seen as im working 8-5 weekdays. It keeps mum from pestering me, i only get one nights sleep in MY bed. One of the nights i sleep at home i bring the boyfriend along and we sleep together on the couch. I always miss him too much too many days away. I mean, one night really is all we aren't together, and in the days when i work, but the days flys by and i'm kept busy so it's not bad at all. It's good.
Works going well, it goes super quick, i really like it. The only thing to make it better would be to feel more comfortable with the other staff and get on with them more, another reason i hate my shyness and unconfidence. Fuck.
So. Work's well. I got paid last Friday, and more than half gone already. I really have to take control of spending so much money. I do have the excuse of christmas is coming up so i have bought a few presents, and my first pay check, month big pay check, i was always gonna just buy a few things just for me anyway. Next month when i get paid again, then i will TRY to be more saving. Otherwise how will i cope when me and the boyfriend move out to a house and then pills and all that shit to pay for.
Me and him are going well too. We always have up's and down's. It has never been about this topic before though.- sex. I'm tired all the time after work. Or just not in the mood. He keeps saying how he doesn't turn me on anymore and how we don't have sex as much. But it's fine. Just finding better time apart from right before i'm about to nod' off. Apart from that. I love him. Lodes & lodes & forever and ever and ever. I'd do anything for that stinky ars. It's unfortunate and fortunate. And i'm so happy and lucky to have him. I suppose i did wait long enough though, eh?
So, yeah. Work and relationship is good.
Friends are shit- but thats a fucking story i'd rather leave alone for a week or so till it's sorted cause it will i just can't be arsed with it right now.
So. Halloween is coming up. Two parties. Two outfits. Still to find one outfit. It'll be fine. One this Saturday then one the week after, seen as it's on a weekday...
Nine o'clock. Shower time then sleep. Try to sleep. Back to my boyfriend tomorrow. Yay. I wanna smile and cry when i think of how much i love him. It's good.
So i don't know why i feel shitty right now. Probably cause i'm lonely and tired and moody and feel all fat and hideous. Spots from make-up (Which i rarely wear anymore by the way! just on nights out!) Back to 9 and a half stone- the lady nurse checks it when i get the injection in my ass, had it done last week. Gained half a stone in three months isn't too bad considering i thought i gained SOOO much more. Should be happy. I just wanna be thin again though. To a year and a half ago.
Urgh. I let myself get myself down way too much, overthinking on looks and personality. After typing all this, i feel abit better. Kinda convinced myself i shouldn't be so sad, cause i have it pretty good right now.
Urgh. I need to come back on EP more like i used to. The release it gives me to just slap down whatever the hell i am thinking without thinking of what others think of me, cause they don't me. Not in real life. Not the usual spreading shit, starring at your face knowing.
Right. Time for shower now then sleeps time.
todays been a bit different shopping most of the day searching for one item, while.me and my boyfriend had a few tiffs over it, everythings fine and sorted.
then we went back home and off for a meal, to where the place was Packed so another place we went and It was really yummy!! A Indian, never thought id try that , im super fussy!
happy now. All cozy watching xfactor and cuddles!
Sunday already tomorrow, abit of swimming then relaxation, films, and sex.
then back to another week...
this little one bedroom.flat of my boyfriends is my home now..near enough.
im here 5 nights, where the other 2 nights he is usually at mine. Most of my clothes (well half but the others I don't really wear!) are here, shoes are here, makeup, hair electrics, all my shower stuff and I've made it my own home. With bought cushions, blankets and throws, make it a bit more comfy.
im feeling quiet happy at this moment in time.
right now. Everythings just nice...
It sucks. Cause it is and has been holding me back for such a long time, i despise it, it's vile and horrid and it makes you feel like the smallest thing in the world with no importance at all.
I'm wanting to cry now just writing about it.
AND don't get me wrong, i am getting better, a hell of alot better in happiness, but confidence- not so much.
I'm shy and barely talk to people and one reason is being afraid of what they think about me, i hate how much i care what people think about me, me and my boyfriend fell out a little last night over that exact point. HE doesn't get it.
I hate being embarrassed, humiliation> Fucking afraid of it.
I am such a scarredy-ass. I hate it. I hate a lot of me. I wish i could press a button and change it.
And if i did believe doctors or medicine could help- i'd go.
Cause it's my thoughts and thoughts of other people's thoughts and my depression a few other hundreds of little things, that make me feel so bad at times.
Right. Hot chocolate is waiting, and a little tele till my boyfriend comes home.
I can't believe he loves me. I don't understand it. WHY would anyone love me?
Suppose i just gotta be grateful and happy about it...
munching out like I have been all evening, watching xfactor. Calories have gone out the wndow today.
had a nice day though.
days go fast enough week-days I mean. Work is alright.
the week goes quick enough, cause im seein my boy more.
lifes better. Each & every day, getting better.
. As cheesy or corny or pathetic I sound. At least im not an utter miserable thing for once...
Is a letdown. Simply let down. You look forward to the weekend, to Saturday for all week, then it comes. And it's shit.
Your in a mood. He's in a mood. Your busy doing shit busy things. Things pop up. Your alone.
So 7 o'clock it's quickly back home then off to Blackpool for amusement arcades like a child and looking at the lights. I just want to get out with my boyfriend and have a little fun. I like doing different things too, just for the ride of getting there (takes not overly long an hour, more, no longer than 2)
So hopefully two or so hours will go quick and then yayyyy.
Pretty average Saturday so far though, it would have been really good- if my boyfriend didn't go out for five-ish hours. Ohwell...
Shit tele, Saturday come onnnnn at least give me some good daytime tele!???
I wish i didn't have the depression spirals, i am kinda lucky when i think about it.
I have an amazing-enough boyfriend, i love him to bits and i'm pretty sure (though everyone says this and it doesn't work) that my love life is sorted, with him, forever.
Money is sometimes an issue, but that isn't everything, and i now have a full time job which i like, the days go quick enough, the only thing could improve is me feeling more comfortable and happy with the other people working there...
so money won't be too bad for a while, saving is a must! still after renting a house in a few months after a few checks have come in for me and my boyfriend (who will start his new job in a month or so...)
I'm not obese, though i sometimes feel it.
I'm not utterly hideous, there is always worse.
I have a nice enough loving enough family, nice enough home, one or two friends, maybe more in the future. I'm not a people person.
That's one of my worst qualities, i hate i can't randomly start a conversation, it sometimes makes thing awkward, makes me seem weird, people don't get me. I hope after a while working here i get to know them better (visa versa).
I'm in a good mood today, if you couldn't guess. It's Friday. YAY!
Righty, back to the boyfriends soon then sleep...
I know its the depression, it hurts me so much, i can't stop the tears coming, listening to sad music won't help.
My boyfriends at work, i messaged him saying how much i hate life and stuff like that and he messaged me saying it sounded like i was going to kill myself and how promise him i won't do anything. He's stupid. I could never do that to him. I don't know why he loves something so repulsive and vile, but he does, and i love him for that, and sort-of hate him for that. I don't know. I just want him to be happy. And falling in love with someone like me, make not make him happy as much as he should be.
He's been going on recently on how i should go to the doctors. I'm thinking i actually might do, cause even if something, somehow, makes me a smidge better- it's better, it's worth it.
So. Tears are probably gonna carry on for a little while, while i continue to look through old pictures and memories flowing back, and missing memories come back and make me so sad. But i'll stop the tears soon, watch a bit of xfactor and wait for him to come home with a bath ready and some supper for him, then sleep.
I've work, first full time shift at new job. Up at 7-7.30, out and back to my house for 6-6.30 ish.
Right. Typing done for now...
Previous Postshatred..., posted February 22nd, 2014
on with things..., posted February 15th, 2014
time..., posted February 5th, 2014
boredness blah..., posted January 30th, 2014
not right..., posted January 26th, 2014
always a good..., posted January 21st, 2014
waiting for the future..., posted January 13th, 2014
super horny..., posted January 5th, 2014
back to normal..., posted January 4th, 2014
home..., posted December 18th, 2013
worlds cruel..., posted November 26th, 2013
hope everythings fine..., posted November 13th, 2013
all done..., posted October 26th, 2013
moody thing..., posted October 23rd, 2013
new day..., posted October 12th, 2013
Its' confidence..., posted October 9th, 2013
better for tomorrow..., posted September 29th, 2013
saturday..., posted September 28th, 2013
kinda lucky..., posted September 27th, 2013
something wrong..., posted September 22nd, 2013
starting..., posted September 22nd, 2013
too quick, too nervous..., posted September 16th, 2013, 1 comment
desperation led to goodness..., posted September 15th, 2013
second week..., posted September 11th, 2013
not much..., posted September 7th, 2013
better..., posted August 6th, 2013
it hurts..., posted August 4th, 2013
home..., posted July 29th, 2013
Lovely day..., posted July 9th, 2013
says it by the name..., posted July 7th, 2013
Not sure..., posted July 2nd, 2013
living for the weekends..., posted June 25th, 2013
What's happened..., posted June 12th, 2013
long..., posted May 19th, 2013
too good..., posted May 8th, 2013
dog..., posted May 6th, 2013
touchy..., posted May 5th, 2013
mood..., posted May 4th, 2013
happy..., posted May 2nd, 2013
away..., posted April 28th, 2013
bound to happen..., posted April 27th, 2013
story..., posted April 21st, 2013
lazy sunday..., posted April 21st, 2013
time again..., posted April 20th, 2013
think..., posted April 17th, 2013
money..., posted April 17th, 2013
sun brings smiles..., posted April 15th, 2013
on my way..., posted April 13th, 2013
good..., posted April 12th, 2013
me..., posted April 11th, 2013
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