Are you okay... | brokenalways's Blog

I used to get asked if I was okay about a hundred times a day a few years ago... When I was in school. By my friends, by people at home. Then in college- people finally got used to my depressive self so being in an extra miserable mood- people didn't even notice, so didn't even care to ask me. Me and my best friend are miserable bitches together- so she rarely asks me cause I talk to her basically on how shit I'm feeling- so really, there'd be no need to ask. And now- I rarely have any friends cause I've pushed them all away- but the ones I have, are used to me being so depressed so give up asking.

'are you okay' - kinda just comes you when something bad has happened like someone you know got hurt etc... Well it is for me anyway.

I can't remember the last time someone asked me if I were okay. So today when my friend texted me to ask me if I was okay cause I texted her saying how my gran got ill... I just felt- weird. I don't know I can't explain it.
Something came to me and I was about to burst in tears.
I held it in, let out a couple tears and wiped them away and took a few deep breaths and carried on.
I'm so fucked up...

My gran had a stroke today. I haven't got any other grandparents. So. It was horrible hearing it. She was took to hospital and is a bit better now sleeping over in hospital. Hopefully she'll be okay. Shes a fighter.

I'm so miserable tonight. I want to cry. I hate my life. I hate being depressed. I hate me.

I was thinking tomorrow about going shopping- nobody to go with- I can drive now, go wonder driving and shopping by myself- really? Oh god. What is my life. I just want a big shop and buy tons of random shit and try and cheer myself up. But it's just, on my own, I can't. Ew.

I was talking to my friend the other day- she was encouraging me to go to have drinks with that guy who asked me out who is her friend. I think I will. She said she'll go too so it's not like a 'date' but shell being someone too so it'll kinda be a double date. Awkward. Little less awkward maybe.
I think I will though. Whatever.

Hopefully I'll get a call of that job interview tomorrow or something sometime. I doubt I'll get it. I mean- I won't but still I'd rather get the call sooner than later- well duh.

Okay. So it's half twelve now. Latest I've stayed up for for a few days now.
Recently I've been so shattered.
Getting up round half 10 just so my sleeping pattern doesn't completely fuckup like it used to be.

HOPEFULLY- the new me starts tomorrow. (haven't I said that a million times...) but really, I'm gonna try. New diet. New exercises. New life... Eventually.
So. I'll write back and see how it goes. Cross fingures. Willpower- come at me!

I've not been on EP as much recently... Been a bit busy-er and not as much effort, and like I said soooo tired.
Listening to music while on here, and thinking. I wish I could turn off my brain for a while to stop thinking- considering how dumb I am, I do think a fucking lot.

That's it I think. Hmmm.

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