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SO. Just got home. soooo tired and its only twenty past ten. Today was okay though. Ended up rushing to get ready and then we got there- everyone talked for abit then tea, then more talking and stuffs... It was good and their all so lovely and stuffs, just, with family that we see maybe once a year- i find it really awkward and kinda uncomfortable. I'm okay but like if they ask me questions and theres like 10+ basically random people starring at me. I just answer kinda quickly cause i feel my face go red, red, red... GOD i hate my face in embarrassing/sometimes not even embarrasing, situations. It used to do it ALL the fucking time in school. OR whenever im put on the spot or lodes of people are looking at me in shit situations. Plus i never feel like totally relaxed or anything when im around.... alot, most - people. cause i think way too much about what i look like and what other people think of me. I think WAY too fucking much. ridiculous. Like where we went today to see the distant family they have lodes of little kids, and talking to them i don't really cause everyone starres at you. So yeah i'm good with them and stuffs just when i went upstairs and they shouted me into the computer room, i was way more nice too then kinda... if you get what i mean. LIKE i am that whenever like when i was a student in nursery i was not overly loud and shy around all the judging bitches but when i didn't have one of those eyes starring at me, i was myself, and the kids fucking loved me. It's embarrassment over anything. I don't know what is wrong with me i just hate getting embarrassed. Like- i'm not one of those people who can laugh over my stupidity and how awful i look- cause i worry too much. I mean- when im sober- when i am drunk i really don't give a shit..... I suppose it depends on who the people are too though.... FUCK i am weird. Well. I discovered that years & years ago, so kinda used to it by now. Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Fucking thinking so fucking much. ! ARGGGH!
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