let's see... | brokenalways's Blog

  Listening to depressing old music- may angels lead you in, iris, everytime.... yeah super depressing mode right now.
  soooo want to die. sick of everything.

 Though i'm feeling pretty confident that tomorrow and next Monday etc... will go okay. just gotta fake it really. fake the confidence to a room full of strangers. i mean, i do it everyday really- i fake smiling, laughing, pretending to be so confident when i walk into a shop etc... I hate my shittiness. but as long as i fake being confident as much as possible in the shitty uncomfortable situation - i will be fine. cause then they will like me, and the rest of the weeks will go good.

 That's kinda the basic rule- just lie.pretend. that's what i do, otherwise people hate you. well me.
 People seeing the real me half the time ends up totally shit. I mean- i kinda gave up with the whole- pretending- thing. since i kinda thought - if you don't like me- tough shit, i don't need you- but where in a workplace kinda thing. i'd rather them like me than feeling totally uncomfortable for the weeks and months i am there.

  I mean- my personality won't change but i'll just pretend not to be such an utter miserable bitch.

 I like it when i am with people- like my really good friends who love me being depressed bitch or giddy, cause they accepted me like that.
 or new people like this guy i am seeing tomorrow, cause he just makes me non-stop laugh and smile. he was talking about how he hates people who are always depressing- i was like 'oh shit- when your charm wears off you'll see what i am really like then im fucked' but you know... whatever. when he stops making me laugh, stops making me smile, or if we get to where we see each over 24/7 then he will find out my depressed side.
 I mean- at least he knows my moody bitch and drunken side that he has seen- right??

 So. Gonna positive thinking as much as i'd rather welcome death right now> tomorrow is gonna be a good day. gonna be a fresh, not-awkward- good- smiling day. Hopes...