no reason to be depressed... | brokenalways's Blog

 I've been thinking recently- i should be happy cause really i am lucky in some respects. I always wear this bracelet now which says 'lucky' on it, kinda reminds me there's people worse off than me.
 i mean. i have a great family who do care and love me. they've give me near-enough everything i've always wanted, i have been spoilt- yeah, i mean my friends at college always called me spoilt and posh, just cause we are not poor like most of them.
 So i should be happy that my dad bought my driving lessons which probably added up more than a thousand pounds, and he bought me the insurance, and give me like 5 grand when i turned 18. and when my brothers went to uni, they let me make their bigger room into my room, so now i have a massive room compared to my older brother who has a tiny box room, and when my other brother comes home from uni- there is two of them stuck in that tiny box room....
 My dad always bought me clothes like every month, just a 'please :)' and he'd type his credit card details in with a little huff. So in money and love ways- i am really lucky. I could be luckier- but- let's not be TOO greedy, eh?

 And there is no real reason i should be depressed. Nothing traumatic has EVER happened to me. Not really. Not when i was young. I never have lost anyone. my uncle died like 7 years ago, but i was never close to him. My dog had to be put down last year which is the closest death i've ever had to me who i've known- and it hurt like hell, and it cried- i don't think i've cried since....
 I was never hurt or abused like my friends suggested when i told them i was depressed.
 I was never bullied or poor or ill.
 I had an amazing life growing up as a child, my family were wonderful, i was such a happy child...

 Then came high school, and the shit comes along too. but, like i said- nothing TOO bad. nothing overly- awful. yeah. i was always the 'odd' one. cause nobody got me. i switched friendship groups all the time. i got bored and moved on and people didn't like that about me but who cares.
 i had arguements and fights and a hell of alot of embarassing moments but not too bad. actually thinking about the fights i have had are pretty hilarious- and they were at the time too, a minute after pulling each others hair out and getting done of the head teacher- we laughed and we're okay again. It's weird...
 I know i felt shit when i was like 13 though. maybe younger. probably younger.
 but there really is no reason why! why was i depressed so young for no reason at all, makes no sense.
i remember me and my best friend listening to 'living on a prayer' and thinking of how we would runaway. then a year later, we did, we ran-away to London. We stayed a few days. then came home. her plan wasn't mine- she basically fucked me over. but whatever- she was the best friend i have ever had. ha....
 We got to the train station and met the police, got in the van, got to the station, got back in a police car, to the train station, met my mum and dad who came to London to pick us up, my mum was a complete mess, crying her eyes out, she was such a fucking wreck.

  So yeah....
Then depression got worse when i was 14-16.

 i had a shit time when i was around 14. with a long-term boyfriend who turned out to be a dickhead junkie. i dumped him and then i started hanging round with his dickhead friend's and i started taking drugs. cocaine, weed, i did heroin once. i smoked and drank all the time. my friend at school once asked me if i took any drugs cause my eyes looked weird. i said no and laughed. my mum never knew. she thought i hadn't even touched a drop of alcohol till i was 18.
 I remember going to this party once. I had weed before, i had alot of vodka before. I got there. and it was good. then 4 am, i came out and a random guy with a gun threatens me to come with him, or he will shoot.
 I told him to shoot.
 I mean- i was depressed, like i am now, i was alone, like i am now, i had nothing to live for, like now....
Then a guy i knew came out and started arguing with him, i told them to fuck off. and either shoot me or go, cause i am not going with him. He fucked off eventually.

Then college started and i was happy for the first few weeks of college, then i was myself again, and all my new college friends soon realised who i was, cause the initial happiness had faded out. So then i had a few friends again. Maybe 10 in the first year. 3 in the second after a massive fall-out i had with the others. But me and my two besties were good. college was fun. i laughed in college.

 so yeah. no reason. no explanation. i shouldn't be like this...So i'm tryna be more positive - think people DO have it worse off than me.

 So. Tomorrow gonna wake up at 10 ish. Just so my sleeping pattern stays half-decent (being able to sleep at 2am ish) so gonna go get some t-shirts for this volunteer thing cause i've only got one decent t-shirt (they said blue preferably) so i may aswell. PLUS i will be super bored if i'm up early and nothing to do... Then 3ish is off to volunteering again for a few hours and then back home.
 There's builders next door sorting something out with the neighbours roof or something- so noisy though!!! Unbelievable starting banging at 8am everyday, they best be done soon! plus i am sick of them all staring everytime i leave the house. Cause our house is semi-detached, the house we're a tiny bit attached to (only one bedroom and the bathroom are 'attached') and we're quiet friendly with them so we don't have like a fence or anything up in between the entrances to our house (cause theres like a little walking up bit) so everytime i step out my house they are RIGHT there and all look at me. I wouldn't mind if they were fit, or even a bit decent looking. no fucking luck me.

 but i should be happy today so ima trying to be.


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