cautious... | brokenalways's Blog

   So. Feeling super shit about myself tonight. I don't know why. I just looked in the mirror and thinking 'wow- i really have to change!' Like i am sooo unconfident about how i look recently. it sucks!
 I mean- i can pretend and act as much as possible but. i mean, i feel comfortable when i am wearing something that i like, what i feel good in, i feel confident in it, but in certain things, i just hate me.
 I need to lose the weight. I hate being chubby! fucking hate it. then when i get money, im gonna get a boob job so i don't have small tits like i do now!
 I wanna be like i used to be.- when my face was always clear and flawless, my hair was nicer- it was so much easier and i  liked the bleach blonde color. but having it now would make my face feel fat. or so i think.

 I was talking to my mum before about me being chubby now. and she was like 'you've gained weight, but your not chubby' . eurgh. whenever i say to my friends about how i hate being fat they always comment on how im only a size 8/10 so i can't be fat. But that's not really right- cause i am really small, like only 5 foot 1. and now i am like not toned at all- i hate it ! feel so horrid about it. 
 When i went with this guy the other day and we were.... getting naked. i was drunk but i still was like 'shit- i've gained weight- i look awful'' so i never felt completely comfortable. Where a year ago- i would have been the first one to strip off.  BLaaaaaaaahh. Need stop complaining . it'll be FINE. :)

 EURGH. whatever. gonna be my old weight by June-ish.
 Then i will be back thin, earning money, hopefully by mid- 2013 i will be a little bit happy. maybe. hopefully.
 Then in like a year i can get my boobs done! and at least my body and job front will be good.

 okay, REALLY early morning tomorrow, like 8 in the morning. oh i am going to die!!
 Then interview. Hopefully go okay. then back home for a few hoursssssssssssssssssss!
 SHIT hopefully i can get to sleep soon, half midnight already. Sucks...

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