unsure... | brokenalways's Blog

 Have no idea what i'm going to do. I can't stop thinking- maybe over-thinking.
 Can't stop wondering and worrying and being fucking terrified and wanting to fucking cry & cry & cry. I never cry. Unless i am drunk- then the tears will NOT hold back. Oh- maybe getting drunk tomorrow won't be a great idea. I know i will end up in floods tomorrow night after drinking cause of the shittyness i feel and the awkward situation it will be- i will be an emotional wreck.

 I just want to be happy.

 You can think the depression is going away. It's hiding for a little while. Your too busy and occupied and excited that you think you might have actually fucking beaten depression, you haven't wished for death in days, you have actually felt happiness for longer than 10 minutes long. But then. Nope. No fucking way. Cause it will always define me. It will always be inside of me like a fucking curse or something. Disease.

 My new boyfriend used to be depressed- he sounds like he had it tough growing up in a shit area, smoking and drinking really young, getting kicked out and living on the streets and depression- and he is amazing and living good now. It's incredible how he has done it.
 He said to me since he met me- only just under 3 weeks ago- that i have made him feel like hiself again. After his ex who he was with for a while- she tried to change him- but with me- he just is hiself and i make him happy> And that makes me so fucking happy. I can't believe i have made somebody else happy.
 I just need happiness now. To stay.

 When i am with him. He makes me laugh. Smile. Happy.
 But even last night lying in bed with him just lay there while he slept- i couldn't stop fucking thinking about what's gonna happen in the next few weeks. With job. With life. With my friends. I have no fucking idea what the hell i should do about the job situation> it makes no sense to me. I'm lost....